Resident Squirrel
by General Badaxe
Summary: Chris, Jill, Rebecca, Billy, and Wesker have been turned into squirrels! O the fun it will be. Squirrel!Chapter 11 is a sort of preview for our next R.E. fic.
1. Chapter 1 SQUIRREL!

**RESIDENT SQUIRRLE **

**R.E.-Wolf- hey! This is my first story so plz don't kill me if its boring or something. Anyway, to the screwed up story!**

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Along the edge of the Raccoon Forest border, Chris kneels with his head down on a rock.

"97…98…99…100! Ready or not, hear I come!"

Chris walks into the forest quietly, looking every way. The dark closes in and Chris takes out his flashlight. The leaves to his left crack and move slightly. Chris shines his flashlight over to the leaves. He sees nothing.

"Damn, I never knew Billy, Rebecca, Jill, and Wesker could hide this well."

Then, a squirrel dropped from the trees onto his shoulder. Startled, Chris jumped up and landed in a pricker bush on his ass.

"OW! Stupid squirrel."

"Chris! Chris! Its me, Jill!" the squirrel said.

After hearing those words from a squirrel, Chris fainted and collapsed in the pricker bush.

Chris's eyes opened with 4 squirrels surrounding him.

"Holy Shit!"

Wesker stood in front of Chris. He looked like a squirrel with a bad hair day and sunglasses.

"Wesker? Damn, you make a bad squirrel!"

"Shut your little squirrely mouth, Redfield!"

"What do you mean?"

Jill, whoalso looked like asquirrel,stepped in front of Wesker. She was still in her original S.T.A.R.S. uniform but in squirrel size.

"Look at you" Jill said.

Chris looked down at his lower body.

"I'M A SQUIRREL?

Chris suddenly goes white and faints again.

"Can we PLEASE leave Redfield hear?"


	2. Chapter 2 Meet the Cast

**RESIDENT SQUIRREL**

R.E.-Wolf – hi again. I screwed up a bit on the last chapter but you're going to need to bear with me. I am going to try to make this chapter a bit longer then the last one. (just telling you, a seed pistol uses sunflower seeds.)

Chris finally opened his eyes to an ugly squirrel with sunglasses.

"THEY DIDN'T SEND ME TO HEAVEN!"

Wesker then pulled out a Seed Pistol. (handgun)

"Want to repeat that? I'll gladly send you on your way."

Chris stated, "Wesker, you do know that can't kill me?"

"Damn." But Wesker still shot at Chris.

"OW…OW…OW…OW. STOP DOING THAT!"

Jill then smacks Wesker.

Wesker then asks "What did you do that for?"

Jill reply's "Because you shot Chris!"

"You say that like it's a bad thing…" Wesker says.

"maybe we should find out where we are, and how in the world we got turned into a squirrel." Says Billy

"I'm just talking, because the author can't figure out another way to remind you I'm here." Said Rebecca

"guys" said Chris "when I think about it playing hide and seek near Raccoon Forest was NOT the smartest decision we ever made…"

"Neither was splitting up in the mansion, but we did it anyway." Reply's Wesker

"How do you survive all the time anyway? We see your body all the time." Says Jill

"Simple, before every zombie-infested place I go to, I wear my lucky sunglasses, my lucky boxers, and I bring a pack of Mentos." Says Wesker

"Okay, I can understand the sunglasses and the Mentos, but why wear boxers with hearts all over them?" asks Rebecca

"Simple" Reply's Wesker, "would YOU attack someone who wore boxers with hearts on them?"

"No" says Rebecca quickly

"Zombies hate them to, so they don't want me to join their cult-like existence." Wesker then starts crying. "Do you have any idea what it is like to be rejected just because of your lucky boxers?"

Everyone slowly backs away, talking about getting squirrels in white coats to take Wesker to the Happy Oak Tree.

"Anyways" says Billy "Maybe we should look for a way to become human again, any clues on how we became squirrels in the first place?"

"nope"

"nadda"

"no clue"

(continued sobbing)

"Wesker, just give us your damn answer!" Screams Chris

All of a sudden, a bunch of seeds hits Chris. After they fall off him, they spell "I don't know" on the ground.

"he's a good shot, I'll give him that." Says Billy

"Shut it Billy" mutters Chris

Wesker quits sobbing and goes to the group. All of a sudden, the Author remembers he hasn't told you what the "squirrels" look like, and decides to tell you.

Wesker is a grey squirrel with a white stomach, really bad hair day, and sunglasses. Wesker is wearing black pants, a black t-shirt, and a holster for his gun (He really does make one ugly squirrel.)

Chris is a brown squirrel with another white stomach, with his hair combat style. He is wearing a S.T.A.R.S common uniform outfit. (you know, the ones with a bulletproof vest that zombies can bite through.) and a knife holster (now holding a sharp piece of wood) and no gun holster.

Billy is a Black squirrel with a black stomach, and with one of his left hand in handcuffs, and his right arm has a white tattoo of a flame. He is wearing a brown wife-beater and black pants. He has a gun holster and a knife holster. Both loaded of course.

Jill is a grey squirrel with a white stomach and has her beret on. She has a S.T.A.R.S uniform on, and black pants. She has a gun holster with her deadly "seed pistol"

Rebecca is a brown squirrel with a black stomach and a chemical mixing set, and a first aid kit (where she keeps them, we'll never know) a S.T.A.R.S uniform and grey pants. She has a gun holster with her pistol in it.

"Billy" says Rebecca "why do you have a pair of handcuffs on? Didn't you throw those away right before we parted?"

"I did, but when I got to town I was accused of steeling an old lady's dentures, so I got thrown in prison. I had a Cell Mate named Bubba who I had to punch out because he wouldn't quit trying to rape me. Finally, my lawyer proved that I was innocent of all charges" Says Billy

"But why are you still wearing handcuffs?" asks Wesker

"They lost the keys after they got one of the cuffs off."

"Wait a second" Says Jill "don't handcuffs have one keyhole that unlocks both of the cuffs?"

"Police were trying a new set of handcuffs that have a keyhole for each cuff."

"Who came up with that stupid idea?" Says Chris

"I believe you did Redfield" Says Wesker.

Chris looked a bit sheepish as he said "oh yeah, I did suggest that…"

Billy gives Chris an evil glare, when they hear a low moaning.

"ooooohhhhhhhh."

The four squirrels look at each other.

"Zombie something" they all say.

"Shit," Says Wesker "I forgot a pack of Mentos…."

R.E.-Wolf – finally, finished with chapter 2. It might be a bit before I update. See u round.


	3. Chapter 3 Break Dancing Zombie?

R.E.-Wolf – the second chapter was better and a lot longer than I expected. I hope I can make this one a bit funnier.

"Shouldn't we run?" asks Rebecca

"Does anyone have a pack of Mentos?" asks Wesker

"Wesker, we are not obsessed with your choice of candy, for the last time, NO!" Yells Chris

"Guy's, the moaning is getting louder…." Says Jill

"ooooohhhhhh"

"Hold on," says Wesker "I have to look under this leaf."

"For what?" All the others ask

"Simple," says Wesker "this is a little like the mansion incident, right?"

All of them nod their heads and say "so?"

"Just look." And Wesker lifts the leaf to reveal a pack of 15 sunflower seeds. "Remember, for some reason, whenever zombie things attack, there will always be convenient stashes of ammo around. No, I have no idea why, it's just that way, and Scientists learn not to question God's will."

"So you mean to tell me we will find ammo in the most ridiculous places?" asks Billy

"It happens every other time zombies infest a place." Says Wesker "such as when Billy and Rebecca were on the train. How else were handgun bullets on that train?"

"Wesker," says Jill "are you going to try to get us killed on this adventure AGAIN?"

"Yes" was the short retort.

"oooohhhhh" Some zombies appear in sight, and they were…..

"Oh give me a break" says Chris "Zombie RATS!"

The Zombie rats were really horrible looking. They were missing bits of flesh and fur all over their body. The teeth were black, stained with the blood of other forest animals. The pupils were all milky white, and looked like they were blind. However, the crew knew they could see all to well.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEKK" Screams Billy

Everyone else turns to stare at Billy, and why would a huge muscle man from the army be scared of rats?

"You see," explains Billy "In prison, they wouldn't give us real food. They gave us a bunch of slingshots and some cheese puffs to lure rats out. If we managed to catch a rat, that was dinner. The problem was, that the rats were as big as my fist, and Bubba just happened to be my hunting "buddy" as you can all guess it went downhill from there, and most of the time, the rats won. That and they are really bad at cleaning themselves off. You ever eat a dirty rat?"

"Billy," says Wesker "I really don't give a damn about your 3 weeks in prison. I do however enjoy the fact that A) you suffered in it B.) You scream like a scared little girl scout. And C.) there WILL be a lot of making you remember this moment.

"wow…" says Rebecca

"what?" says Jill

"The author really hasn't tried to be funny during the really long explanations." Replies Rebecca

"Well," says Jill "when one is hyped up on coffee, sugar, and laxatives, you really have a hard time thinking up something funny. Couple that with the fact that he thinks that aliens are invading….Well, you get the picture."

"wow, the zombies really aren't that fast. We saw them about 2 minutes ago, and they are just STANDING there!" says Chris

"Ooooooohhhhhhhhh" Translation: "Why are they just standing there? The contract says they will probably run away?"

"Ooooooooohhhhh" Translation: "I don't know, do something quick, maybe that will scare them."

"Ooooooohhh" Translation: "O.K. Lets break out into a Broadway!"

The zombie rats clear their throats. "Ooooooohhhh Hello my Baby hello my Honey hello my Sweet Sunshine. Baby my Hearts on Fire if I would lose you I don't know what I'd DOOOO!"

"RUN AWAY!" Screams Wesker momentarily losing his cool.

"Write it down people!" Yells Chris as they run as fast as they can away. "We found something that Wesker is afraid of!"

"Shut it Redfield!" Screams Wesker "My Mother took me to many Broadways, and ever since a freak accident involving a really fat girl, I've been scared of them!"

"What kind of accident could happen at a Broadway?" asks Jill

"well," says Wesker "All you need to know is that it involved a really horny midget, some really old peanut butter, and a mime. I'm not going to recount that tale."

The others shuddered "What could happen with a horny midget, old peanut butter and a mime?"

"Everyone, into that Oak Tree!" Yells Wesker

"No!" Yells Chris "Last time we listened to you, you brought us to a mansion that was supposed to be our grave."

"Then where do you want to go Redfield?"

"Umm…Into that tree!"

"That's the same tree Wesker pointed at…." They all thought.

(Back at the dancing rats)

"Ooooooohhhhh" Translation: "O.K. that did it. Why would a Broadway scare them so much?"

"Oooohhhhhh" Translation: "I don't really think it was the singing, probably you break dancing WHILE you were singing. How many Broadways do you know that has a break dancing rat in it?"

"Ooooooohhhh" Translation: "None, but they did go into the Oak Tree we wanted them to go to. Muahahahaha"

"Oooohhhhh" Translation: your evil laugh sucks.

R.E.-Wolf – I know, I know a break dancing zombie rat isn't the best but it works. Stay tuned for the next chapter.


	4. Chapter 4 The New Teams!

R.E.-Wolf –hey everybody. Sorry it took so long to update. DON'T SEND RABBID CHIMPMONKS AT ME! Anyway I will now introduce one who has helped me in the complete randomness of my story. GENERAL BADAXE! I don't know about u but that name sucks. But I would expect as much from my bro.

General Badaxe- up yours too. The only reason we are updating now is because I threatened you with lubricant and a bamboo stick. (glares) I would have a different name, but it would be a little inappropriate. Anyway, on with the FIC!

R.E.-Wolf –wait a second…u said that the bamboo stick and lubricant would be a SECRET! At least I don't play with myself at night!

General Badaxe- I lied first off. And yes you do, but lets get on with the fic, they really don't care about our personal lives. (By the way, I REALLY am his brother.)

R.E.-Wolf –oh. Ummm…..-.- well….i know what u did during the winter! You scared the tree in the front yard for life!

General Badaxe- The tree said it loved me o.k.? anyway, lets seriously get on with the fic already. Buddha damn it all!

All of them enter the Oak Tree. Who knows what horrors will face them there? WE DOOOOO!

"Wait, where is Barry?" asks Chris

"Redfield, Barry didn't come with us. That was at the mansion." Says Wesker. "Anyway, we should all go in different directions."

"No way in Hell!" All of them scream.

"Yeah Wesker," says Jill "Last time we split up, you wanted to use us as test subjects on Tyrant."

"You people will never let that fact go will you?" Asks Wesker.

"NO!" Jill and Chris reply in unison.

"How about groups of two?" Asks Billy.

"Why two?" asks Wesker.

"The number worked pretty well with me and Billy." Says Rebecca "It also works with Leon and Ada."

"Who should be dead by now." Mutters Wesker

"Wait…There are 5 of us, that won't go evenly." Says Chris

"I'll go by myself." Says Wesker

"I have a better idea Wesker, how about we draw straws and the one with the shortest goes alone."

All of a sudden, a dark vortex of death appears over Billy's head. An orange squirrel with a black t-shirt that says," I used to have SUPER-HUMAN POWERS, but my therapists took them away" and blue-jeans dropped out of it on top of Billy. The rest of the squirrels saw some words on the back of the t-shirt. It says, "General Badaxe."

Billy asks "Who the heck are you, and get yourself off of me!"

General Badaxe replies "My name is General Badaxe. Unfortunately for you, and definitely me, you had an uneven number of squirrels. So, instead of doing the logical thing and bringing in Leon, the author had to be a complete JackAss and bring me in without asking me. Just wait till I get the bamboo stick…"

Chris asks "What is an author?"

General Badaxe replies "An author, or in our case, co-authors get to control exactly what happens to you, and every other person here. Of course, R.E.-Wolf wouldn't let me keep my omnipotent powers if I became a player, I have no skills, he gave me no weapons, and, to top it all off, he made me OARNGE! Seriously, have you ever heard of an orange squirrel? My color screams kill me!"

Another dark vortex of death appears and two seed pistols fall on General Badaxe. A voice came from the vortex as well.

R.E.-Wolf –you happy now? I gave everyone else one weapon and I give u two. One more thing, shut up about the bamboo stick. One more thing, your weapons only hold 8 seed apiece so watch your ammo. One more thing, I wanted u to be orange! ONE MORE THING…

"SHUT UP!" Yells General Badaxe "In case you forgot, this is Resident Evil, I'm not allowed to dual-wield! Another thing, why aren't you in here too huh? Finally, why don't you need quotation marks around your sentences like the rest of us huh?

R.E.-Wolf –I gave u two guns so I could screw you over, I'm not in there because I don't want to get blood on my clothes or my sexy body, and I don't need quotation marks because I hold all power here! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

General Badaxe says "You don't have a sexy body, it's all fat, but you listen to mom too much. Also, your evil laugh sucks as much as the Break dancing zombie rat's. Bastard.

The Vortex Disappears with the final words, you will find a horse head in your bed tonight!

General Badaxe mutters "Too much Godfather movies…Right, so my Jerk of a Brother put me in here with you guys, so lets draw straws to see who goes with who."

Jill asks "Where are we going to get the straws?"

"I just happen to have some straws, and a short one in my pocket" Says Wesker.

"Wesker…" says Billy "Why are you carrying straws around with you? Another thing…General Badaxe, will you get OFF OF ME?"

"Oops…yeah I'll get off of you." Says General Badaxe, as he gets off of Billy "its your fault anyway for standing under a dark portal of death."

"Well, I carry straws around just in case the people at fast food restraints forget to give me one." Says Wesker

"Why don't you just ask for one?" asks Rebecca

"Well…you see they usually forget to give me a straw when they run away in fear of me. Why would anyone be afraid of me?" asks Wesker

"Could be the fact you unleashed a deadly virus on Raccoon City." Mutters Chris

"Can we draw straws already?" Says Jill

Wesker holds out all six straws. Everyone pulls one and the pairs are as follows: Group 1 includes Wesker and Chris (bad combination, just like Wesker as a squirrel) Group 2 includes General Badaxe and Billy (Billy hates Badaxe for landing on him…I hate the author…) And group 3 includes Jill and Rebecca (Yeah, they are the best off…)

"Well…Bye Guys!" Says Jill and Rebecca quickly as they dash away into a side door (What are doors doing in a tree?)

"Hell is going to break loose…" Says Wesker as he and Chris grudgingly go to the front tall doors.

"I'm going to die…" mutters General Badaxe sadly as he keeps distance from Billy as they go through another side door.

GROUP 1 WESKER AND CHRIS

"Damn it Wesker, why did we go through the front doors? There is always trouble here."

That "trouble" as Chris put it was 3 zombie rats coming toward them.

"Just shoot them you idiot." Says Wesker as he pulls out his seed pistol and pops off a few shots. They strike a zombie rat in the head and blow it off.

"Wait…Why does it kill them, but bounce harmlessly off of me?" asks Chris as he pulls out his seed pistol and pops a couple rounds into the other two zombie rats, dropping each of them.

"Because," Says Wesker "The authors are jerks who won't let me kill you. If I could get my hands on one of them, I would slaughter him."

"Wesker…" Says Chris "General Badaxe is one of the authors."

"WHAT?" Yells Wesker "I'm going to kill that Mother F

R.E.-Wolf- I'm going to cut to group 2 so this fic can stay rated T

Group 2 Billy and General Badaxe

"Well" Says General Badaxe "we might as well make the best of this…right? I said Right? Billy?"

Some seed bullets shoot at General Badaxe from Billy.

'I have to quit talking to him…' thought General Badaxe

"Hey Badaxe." Barks Billy "Do you know what will happen later on?"

'Why is he talking to me now?' Thought General Badaxe "Billy, only my close friends can call me just plain 'Badaxe' until then, you gave to add the General."

"You think I give a care what you say?" says Billy

"Bastard" Mutters General Badaxe "No, I don't, because Wolfy took away my powers remember? When we get to the two of us talking at the end, I'm giving him a piece of my mind."

"Your utterly useless." Says Billy

"I hate you too." Retorts General Badaxe

Group 3 Jill and Rebecca

"Jill" says Rebecca "Do you know the way we are supposed to go?"

"I don't have a clue, but we have some company." Replies Jill as a zombie rat comes from around the corner.

( Now we could do a boring shoot the zombie scene, or we could do some punching, kicking, and torturing a zombie rat…tough decision.)

The zombie rat rears up on its hind legs as it gives a horrible hiss, as Jill jumps at it, and gives a horrible bone splitting kick to the chest of it. It snapped in half, but the head was still alive.

Rebecca grabs the head of the zombie rat and holds it in place, in front of her chest. "tell us what you know" says Jill "NEVER" it screeches. "We'll see about that." says Jill as she pulls out a bottle of vinegar. "Wait…" says the zombie rat "What are you going to do with that?" (Screen pulls out of the Tree) "NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Can be heard throughout the forest.

Group 1

"What in the 9 Hells was that?" says Chris

"A monster we don't want to piss off." Says Wesker

Chris and Wesker head through the hallway to an opening on the other side.

"Wesker, I'll go in first cover my back." Says Chris as he walks through the opening

'I'll just stay back here, to see if he gets eaten' thought Wesker

"It's ok Wesker, it's only a kitchen" Chris Yells

'Damn' Thought Wesker

The kitchen wasn't too shabby either. They had a mini-fridge as a life size one, a cooler as a freezer, a small thimble as a chair, and a plastic table top. Chris is walking over to the fridge, and suddenly, a flaming zombie rat bursts out of the freezer, and the only thing that saved Chris was that it went the wrong way, and out of a window instead.

"…The hell was that?" asked Chris

"No idea." Says Wesker as he goes to the fridge, opens it up, pulls out a carton, and starts chugging it.

"Wesker…" Says Chris

"What is it Redfield?" complains Wesker, when he takes another drink.

"Just thought I would tell you…you're drinking prune juice."

Wesker spits it out all over Chris, spluttering "W-W-W-W-HAT DID YOU SAY?"

As Chris is cleaning himself off, he says "You were drinking prune juice, here wash it down with this milk." Then Chris hands him a carton of milk.

Wesker takes the carton and chugs it as quick as he can. Then he notices the expiration date was a week ago…

"Redfield…This milk is a week old…" Says Wesker

"Wait…old milk and prune juice…that will give you some major bathroom issues…."says Chris slowly

Wesker quickly found out what Chris meant. "BUDDHA DAMN IT ALL! I HAVE TO TAKE ONE HELL OF A SHI"

R.E.-Wolf- because I want to keep it rated T, I'm going to have to go to group 2…again.

Group 2

"We found a Dead End…called a bathroom" Says General Badaxe, "I knew we should have taken a left turn at the fifth hallway."

"Complain all you want," says Billy "I need something for the headache you give me." As he rummages through the medicine cabinet. "They took all the labels off of these thing, this is going to have to be guess work…"

Billy pulls out a bottle with a red cap, opens it, and takes 2 pills out. Then he takes a small cup out, and fills it with water. Finally he drinks the water and takes the 2 pills.

"I wonder how long this will take…" mutters Billy.

"What pills did you take?" asks General Badaxe

Billy show General Badaxe the pills, and slowly General Badaxe's eyes open widely, then he breaks out laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks Billy

"B-B-B-Billy…" General Badaxe between breathes "T-T-T-That's V-V-VIAGRA!"

Then General Badaxe falls on the ground holding his stomach laughing.

Billy's eyes shot wide open at that statement

"WWWWHHHAAATTTT!" Billy yells as loud as he can.

R.E.-Wolf- what is with the vinegar and the zombie rat? And zombies can't talk like us. How did Jill and Rebecca know what it was saying?

General Badaxe- Well, people can't be turned into squirrels either, but you don't explain that. Anyway, why did you include ME in the story? You didn't even ask.

R.E.-Wolf- didn't I tell u already? I don't want to get blood on my clothes or my sexy body. I also added u so I could add a sick and twisted way to bring in humor. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

General Badaxe- For the last time, it's all fat, you just listen to mom too much, and your evil laugh really sucks. Also, what are you planning to do to me?

R.E.-Wolf- you will find out what I have planned for you. I may make you….PINK, or I just may bring in Bubba. Anyway, Mom says my evil laugh is great! I've been taking lessons as well for it. Plus, I'm not fat for the last time, I'm just overweight!

General Badaxe-Do you have any idea what you just said? Where would you get lessons anyway? Who cares, for anyone who wants to read, leave a review if you want too Flames are accepted, IF you give a good reason for it. Give us ideas that we will probably ignore, and just have fun with your thoughts.

P.S. The reason we say Buddha instead of GOD or Jesus is that we are sick of people using those words, so we decided to use Buddha instead.


	5. Chapter 5 MKTS

R.E.-Wolf-hello and welcome to the new chapter of resident squirrel! Here is our special guest…oh. Wait a second. Its just Badaxe…

General Badaxe- ok, like I said in the last chapter only friends and people I respect can call me plain Badaxe. You still have to add the General to it. However, I would like to thank Sara A. Wesker for supporting my name, so I don't care if she just calls me plain Badaxe. HOWEVER! Everyone else still has to add the General, get it straight people!

R.E.-Wolf-I don't care. You could be a king and I will still call u Badaxe.

General Badaxe- ok, now you are treading in dangerous water, specifically, the water with Neptune in it dangerous. Anyway "King Badaxe" sounds stupid. lets just get on with the fic, unless you have anything more to add.

R.E.-Wolf-should we put the MKTS in this one?

General Badaxe-We should, we can, and we will, I just got a really good idea for it…

R.E.-Wolf-now that I get the final say…ON WITH THE FIC!

Group 3 (AKA: the zombie torturing group)

Rebecca asks, "Why were you carrying around a bottle of vinegar?"

"Ummm…Well…..it's an ancient Chinese secret!" Jill replies.

"ok, ok, no need to get defensive" says Rebecca. "anyway, we should continue on, we might need better weapons than seed pistols."

"How do you know we will get better weapons?" asks Jill

"Simple, this is like the mansion; we HAVE to find better weapons." Replies Rebecca

The two girls decide to go right in a hallway that split into 3 directions. Down the hall, was just one zombie rat. The girls decided to be nice, and just shoot the thing. As they prepared to enter the next room, they heard a horrible ear splitting screech, somewhere behind them and to the right. (AN- General Badaxe- if you want to hear something close to the horrible screech, just imagine R.E.–Wolf singing in the shower, you will have nightmares.)

"What the Hell is that?" asks Jill while she was clutching her ears.

"No idea," says Rebecca "But I'm not sticking around to find out, she says as she dashes into the next room, with Jill following close behind her.

Group 2 (AKA- General Badaxe's funeral)

"So Billy…" says General Badaxe with a sly tone "Is that a combat knife in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"SHUT UP YOU OARNGE BASTARD!" Screams Billy still trying to find and antidote to the Viagra he took a little bit ago. "Couldn't you just whip out an antidote out of nowhere and help me?" asks Billy

"I could…" say's General Badaxe with an evil tone, "Or I could just let you suffer for trying to kill me a couple of times. Hmmm….Decisions, Decisions…" says General Badaxe with an evil grin

"You know what?" says Billy "I really hate you."

"You've told me a couple of times already, and I have no doubt that you will say it a couple more times in the future." Says General Badaxe "Until then, I'm going to taunt you for a while, and possibly blackmail you like the jerk I am."

A black vortex of death appears above General Badaxe, and a plastic bottle falls on his head, and rolls to Billy.

"Oww…" says General Badaxe "Why does everything land on me you pathetic excuse for an author?"

R.E.-Wolf-three reasons: 1. I want them to. 2. I usually want someone to get pissed when I come into the story. And 3. because I hate you.

"I hate you too," says General Badaxe "I just wish that squirrels have middle fingers so I could flick you off, you stupid man-whore."

R.E.-Wolf-take that back before I do something drastic.

General Badaxe reply's "Or you will do what? I can take anything you throw at me, especially because if I have to, I can take Billy as a squirrel shield!"

"wait WHAT!" screams Billy

R.E.-Wolf-now you've done it. Now you will have….DOUBLE QUOTATION MARKS!

General Badaxe says "" Why you dirty piece of crap, how long will this last?""

R.E.-Wolf- probably till the next chapter. Or until your contract wears out.

All General Badaxe mutters is ""Bastard.""

Group 1 (AKA troublesome duo)

Wesker walks out of the bathroom, how he found a bathroom in time, we will never know. "Redfield" says Wesker "how long was I in there?"

"About one hour" was the reply.

(Rare action scene time!)

All of a sudden about 10 zombie rats drop from the ceiling, 5 more jump through the window, and a very unlucky 1 crawls from the toilet.

"Crap," says Chris "How do we deal with this?" As he pulls out his seed pistol, only to have it knocked away by an advancing rat. The seed pistol lands near Wesker.

"There is only one way to deal with this situation Redfield." Reply's Wesker

"And how is that?" asks Chris

"Two words: MORTAL KOMBAT!" Screams Wesker as the MK Theme Song music begins playing from out of the blender in the kitchen.

"WHAT THE HELL?" yells Chris "Where is that music coming from?"

"The blender, but the time for talk is over!" Screams Wesker as he fly's at a zombie and kicks it out the window.

Immediately he grabs one of the zombies by the head, jams his knee into it's whiskered face, and flips it into another zombie. Then Wesker jumps into the air, and split kicks 2 more zombies away from him.

Another zombie backs away from Wesker, then a spear head with a rope fly's out of Wesker's sleeve "GET OVER HERE!" Wesker yells as he pulls the zombie toward him, throws him in the air, and uppercuts him through the ceiling into a bunch of spikes.

As soon as he lands, he rolls, front flips, and slams another zombie's head into the ground. Using his arm, he forces his body forward, and bicycle kicks another zombie through a door. He lands near Chris's pistol, and he kicks it into his hand, and pulls out his own pistol. "Eat this you undead cheese stealers!" Yells Wesker.

All the zombies gasp at such a low insult, only to see Wesker dual-wield them to death. Shots rang out around him as he held a gun behind his back, and one in front of them as he shot the rest of the zombies.

(Action scene done, probably won't have another for a couple chapters. Tell us if you like or hate it.)

"Wesker…" says Chris

"Yes Redfield, I know, I own." Says Wesker smugly

"Wesker, wake up" says Chris

"What did you say?" asks Wesker

"I said wake up, now hurry up and lets go already, you've been in that bathroom for an hour already!' yells Chris

Wesker then wakes up on the toilet, noticing that none of that stuff happened. He also noticed he plugged the toilet, and that it doesn't smell too good. Gagging, Wesker left the bathroom, feeling a little sad. And Wesker also thought 'I should have known it was a dream when I was dual-wielding… I also don't have a spear head with a rope attached in my sleeve…'

Group 3

"Rebecca," says Jill "I don't want to fight that thing out there without a better weapon than the seed pistol."

"I know." Reply's Rebecca "we should find one soon though, remember this will be a little like the mansion experience. My only question: who gets to carry the weapon around?"

The two ponder the question, as they travel down the hallway. All of a sudden, they chance across a door that has a bunch of nails on it, and some string next to it.

"What is a door like this doing here?" asks Jill

"It is probably one of those ridiculous doors we need to figure out to keep going on. If the mansion had them, so does this tree, in a twisted sense, have them too." As Rebecca says this, she tries to open the door, only to find out that it is locked. "Let's try to do this puzzle quickly."

Jill grabs the string, and winds it around the nails, and nothing happens. Rebecca then notices the shape the nails make, grabs the string, and uses it to make a star shape. Both of them hear a click, and the door opens.

"I hate the authors for making this seem a little TOO much like the mansion experience." Grumbles Jill.

As the two enter the room, they notice a dead squirrel, holding a bunch of leaves. The leaves have writing on it.

'To whoever is reading this, you probably notice there are a bunch of undead things in this tree, and I have to tell you, you chose the WORST tree to enter. This is where the infestation started, and is the strongest. I'm probably dead, suffering from wounds from a spider injected with the virus. Next to my corpse, you will notice a peanut spread shot (Shotgun) I would recommend you take it and the spare ammo in the room somewhere.'

'P.S. When you finish reading this note, I will probably be a zombie, so you might want to finish off the corpse.'

Then the guy's corpse's eyes open, and it tries to get up, only to find it is duct taped to the ground, and the mouth was closed with tape too.

"Let me get this straight," says Rebecca "While I was reading the leaves aloud, you taped the rat corpse to the ground?"

Jill nods her head and says "Don't ask why I carry around a roll of duct tape, and the reason I didn't destroy the corpse," She got a very dark look on her face. (You never want to see a woman with this kind of face scary) "Is that I still have some vinegar left…"

The zombies eyes snap wide open after hearing this statement, and tears form in it's eyes.

Group 2

Billy and General Badaxe look around the corner of the hallway, and notice 3 zombie rats around the corner. The two draw back, and try to form a plan.

"Man," says Billy "This could be a problem."

General Badaxe eyes Billy like he is insane as he says ""Billy, I played RE0, and during the entire game I only had to heal you 5 times, YOU ARE BUILT LIKE A TANK! I'm willing to bet you could knife them all to death, and still be fine.""

Billy sweat drops (I know it is an anime term, but we can't think of a better term for it.) "Well, do you have any herbs with you? No? Then I'm not knifing them all! We could both shoot them."

""There's an original plan…"" mutters General Badaxe ""I have a better idea…""

The zombies notice an orange leg around the corner, then they notice an orange hand reach the ankle of the foot, and pull slowly up. (like in those things where the woman lifts up her leg to hitch hike to a place.) The zombie rats walk toward the leg, as it withdraws around the corner, they follow around. All of a sudden you can hear Snap, slap, ding, ding, crunch, CRACK!

All three of the zombies had the crap beat out of them, all in a pile, with Billy on top waving his hands around like he just won the world championship of zombie beating.

""All right Billy,"" Says General Badaxe ""I know you beat them up, but you don't have to gloat about it.""

"he he," he says putting a hand behind his head "sorry, the moment kind of took me." All of a sudden his eyes snap wide open "Wait a second…Are you trying to tell me what to do?" He yells pulling out his 'knife' "Do you think I'm some hired lackey you can just order around!"

""I didn't say any of that!"" Yells General Badaxe

"Yeah, but you were thinking it!" Screams Billy as he jumps off of the corpses and starts chasing General Badaxe around with a knife while yelling "Get Back Here!"

""No way!"" Screams General Badaxe over his shoulder.

Group 1

"Wesker…" says Chris "Why did you try to kill all of us at the mansion."

"Do you really want to know the answer Redfield?" asks Wesker

"Yeah I do." Chris replies

"You see Redfield Umbrella has some of my family hostage."

Chris's eyes bolt wide open and he gasps

"Let me finish my sad story Redfield!" Snaps Wesker "Where was I…oh yeah. They had my family hostage, and the only way I could get them back was if I found a way to test their new weapons out in real battle experiences."

Chris could only stare at Wesker in shock, as a tear rolls down Wesker's cheek.

"So, in order to do that, I had to create a specialized unit made specifically for testing out the new weapons they created. That was when I got the idea for S.T.A.R.S. You should know the rest."

All of a sudden, Chris felt very bad for hating Wesker. If anyone took Jill as a hostage, Chris would do anything to free her, probably even sacrifice a bunch of people he didn't even know. "Wesker," Chris says with a sad tone "I'm so sorry…"

Wesker bursts out laughing, and clutching his stomach. "I can't believe you actually thought that was true!" Wesker gasps trying to get a good breath in.

"But I saw you cry!" Chris says suddenly

Then Chris saw the eye drops in Wesker's left hand, and gears clicked into place. Chris's face contorts into a mask of rage as he bellows out "YOU TWISTED BASTARD!"

All Wesker could do was laugh at Chris, and how gullible he was.

R.E.-Wolf-how do you like the double quotation marks?

General Badaxe- personally, I hate them. Before I forget though, I really should do a disclaimer. We don't own Resident Evil, MK, or any other theme we decide to use because we get an idea for it, so if any lawyer wants to find us (Pulls out Giant Axe off of his back) You can try too sue us, but it won't end pretty! This disclaimer goes for ALL chapters, I'm not doing another one!

R.E.-Wolf-what happened to the +5 flaming-burst Great Axe I got you for your birthday?

General Badaxe- Sold it to a D&D junkie on EBay for a lot of money. You know I like old fashioned anyway.

R.E.-Wolf-it doesn't matter anyway. I got it off the internet for $1…anything you want to add?

General Badaxe- Indeed, a couple of thing actually. 1: I'm sorry to any religious zealots we offended because we use the word Buddha instead of GOD or Jesus Christ. 2:If you want to, please hit that purple button below that says "review" and give us a nice one. We accept flames of how bad the chapter, or story is, IF you can give us the details as to why it sucks, so we can hopefully work on those parts of the story. R.E.-Wolf, could you please shoot me? I can't believe I was serious for an entire paragraph!

BANG! BANG! RATATATATATATATATATATATAT! NUCLEAR LAUNCH DETECTED! Boom.

R.E.-Wolf-happy?

General Badaxe- no, I'm curios as to HOW you missed with all of that AND a nuclear weapon…


	6. Chapter 6 Forced Bonding

R.E.-Wolf-ok, I need to buy the TMP and upgrade it as much as I can…now I must use the Riot Gun to take out Dr. Salvador…Finally, I need to kill Salazar with every weapon I got…

General Badaxe- Are you playing RE4 again? We got 8 reviews in one day, we are updating! Get off of that Gamecube…

R.E.-Wolf-hang on, I have to beat my record in "Mercenaries" before we update! I have to! Wait…what are you doing! GET AWAY FROM ME! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sounds are heard in the background (Smack, smack, crunch crunch, drag drag drag)

General Badaxe- Now get on that computer and help me update! First off, I would like to explain to Sara A. Wesker why I wanted to be shot. Ok, it's like this, I don't like to be serious unless I have to. The two things I enjoy most in life are making others laugh and blowing things up. It's just me, and how I am. Second thing, to anyone who still thinks I'm just a made up character…I REALLY AM HIS BROTHER! I would like some credit on this work too, not just saying "you're a good author," could you please make it plural?

R.E.-Wolf-ok. I also have to address someone. Claire Bear, we cant make comics or fan art because…we suck at drawing. I wish I could do something like that but I cant. Badaxe, you already get enough attention with the reviews. We're even so just drop it.

General Badaxe- Ok, so far only 1 author has acknowledged me (Sara A. Wesker- BTW I'm a big fan of your writing) so shut up. But yeah, we can't draw, so if anyone wants to try to make a fan art or comic, go ahead. You have our permission. However, If you make a comic please make it follow the story line, I don't want to see a comic against what we wrote. And for the record! Yes I carry a Giant Axe on my back when I'm not in a place I can get in serious trouble for it. (Where else would I carry one?)

R.E.-Wolf-if you do make a comic or fan art, please send it to us at You can also submit ideas for the story. Hope you like the fic.

Group 3 (AKA- the women)

"Geez" says Rebecca "Who knew that zombies could scream that long. Anyway, You got the peanut spread shot?"

"I have decided to never leave home without one." replied Jill "Anyways, I'm still a little worried about that horrible screech though. What was that?"

"I don't know, but I have a feeling we are going to find out in a little bit. Specifically within the next two to three sentences." Says Rebecca

All of a sudden, a zombie rat drops from the ceiling, not moving. Green blood can be seen dripping onto the corpse. The two girls look up, to see a hideous black, giant spider. It's eight eyes focus on the two girls as its pincers open and close with green blood dripping out of it. It lets out a horrible screech as it lunges at the two squirrels.

"DUCK" Yells Jill as she raises the peanut spread shot.

Rebecca hits the ground, as a peanut shell launches out of the gun into the spider, knocking it back. It jumps on the wall, rushes at them, and as Jill shoots again, it jumps to the other wall, avoiding the shell!

"Shit!" yells Jill, as the spider slams into her knocking the gun out of her hand.

Rebecca pulls out her seed pistol and hits it with a couple shells in the back. The spider whips around and tackles her to the ground. "Get off of me!" Rebecca screeches at the spider. The spider lowers it's pincers to her neck and…

Boom! A peanut shell flies into the thing head as it gets flipped off of her, and its body dissolves in a bunch of acid, then the acid disappears.

"I never EVER want to see another spider as long as I live" Says Rebecca

"We probably don't have a choice in the matter." Reply's Jill "I'm guessing there are more of those things crawling around. I just hope the guys can settle their differences long enough to save each other…"

Group 2 (AKA-The doomed group)

"Even though it hurts" Says General Badaxe "I have to admit you are skilled at using that thing."

"It only hurts going in." Reply's Billy "It feels a lot better as it comes out."

"Yeah?" Says General Badaxe "How do I know you are telling the truth?"

"Simple," Reply's Billy "Just ask Rebecca. She can tell you all about how good I am."

"Personally, I saw and felt how good you are." Says General Badaxe with a hint of annoyance. "Great…Now I have sticky stuff all over me…Could you please pull that out? It's starting to throb…"

"Oh, sorry." Says Billy as he pulls his knife out of General Badaxe's arm.

"Damn that hurt…" Says General Badaxe "Are you carrying around bandages so I can cover up this wound?"

"Nope," Reply's Billy "Usually Rebecca has the medical supplies, including bandages."

"Buddha damn it…I just wish I had something to clean up the blood at least…" says General Badaxe as he clutches his arm, and turns around…and walks straight into a towel, seemingly held by nothing.

"Wow," Says General Badaxe "I think that R.E.-Wolf is being nice to me." General Badaxe picks up the towel and starts drying off his arm.

"Um…Badaxe…" says Billy

"What have I told you about the name Billy?" Says General Badaxe with more of a hint of annoyance "You have to add the 'General' at the beginning."

"Ok, ok then, 'General' Badaxe" Billy says with as much sarcasm as he can muster

"That's better" Says General Badaxe with a huge grin on his face, "Now then, what is it Billy?"

"I just thought you would want to know…" Starts Billy "That the towel that was hanging in midair was held there by a spider thread, and the spider that made it…is right above your head."

General Badaxe looks up… right into the eight eyes of a giant black spider with a red hourglass shape on the bottom.

"Forget what I said…" Says General Badaxe with a bunch of rage contorting his face "R.E.-Wolf still wants to screw me over…"

The spider lunges at General Badaxe as He pulls out a pistol, and shoots it once in between its pincers, and a shot rang out from Billy as his bullet hits the spider in between its eyes. It land, dead, on top of General Badaxe and knocks him over, with the corpse still on top.

"So…" starts Billy "Would you like a hand with that?"

"No," says General Badaxe "I've decided to stay down here a little bit, unable to move, with a giant spider corpse on me…OF COURSE I WANT SOME HELP!"

"Not until you say please…" Says Billy in a sing-song voice.

"You are a Bastard…" Mutters General Badaxe

Group 1 (AKA the Mortal Enemies)

"So," Says Wesker "You're sure we should go into that dark room?"

"For the last time Wesker," Says Chris in an exasperated tone "Yes I'm sure. There should be light at the other side, or at least a switch. Plus we have flash lights, so why are you worried?"

"Redfield, something usually goes bad in dark scary rooms, haven't you learned that yet? After all the horror stories you've heard, the movies you've seen, and the adventures you've been in, you still believe nothing bad will happen?"

"Actually Wesker," Says Chris "I expect something bad to happen. What YOU don't seem to understand, is that for us to continue, we HAVE to go through that room. Yes we are screwed."

Chris slowly walks forward, flashlight on and pointed straight into the dark room. Nothing particularly interesting pops out, just bits of blood and dried flesh. Some cobwebs are in the upper corners, with some dead rat corpses on them.

"Redfield," Starts Wesker "I don't like this room. We should just hurry up and get to the other side."

Chris nodding his agreement, slowly walks across the room, with Wesker close behind him. They notice and opening on the other side, with light pouring into the dark room. They both cautiously walk to the other side and…nothing happens. Both of them walk into the light, without encountering any hardships.

"Wow," Says Chris "I was expecting something really bad to happen in there. Hold on, we have a zombie rat ahead."

'Maybe,' Thought Wesker 'I can beat the crap out of the rat with my bare hands and feet, and show Redfield that I can own him and everything else…'

All of a sudden a black mass of hair drops on the rat, brings it up to the ceiling, and tears it in half, and shoves the skull into its mouth. Then its eight eyes focus on the other two intruders.

'on second thought' Thinks Wesker 'I'll just shoot that thing.'

Wesker pulls out his seed pistol and shoots its legs and make's it fall down. As it was falling, Chris pulls out his seed pistol and shoots it three times in the side, making it fall on its back. Chris then pulls out his knife, and jumps on top of the spider's stomach, and furiously stabs the thing in its soft underbelly, and one last time in the head, until it stopped moving.

"you know what Redfield…"says Wesker "Why is it that you get a knife, and I don't?"

"I don't know, why don't you complain about it to someone who cares." Says Chris in between pants.

"You can be a sentimental jackass sometimes…" Says Wesker

"Yeah, and you can be a cold-hearted Bitch." Says Chris "But I don't complain about it, usually."

Group 3 (AKA- The one's with good weapons.)

"Jill…" Says Rebecca "Why are you and me in a group? Wouldn't it make more sense to go with a guy, because they can take more shots than us?"

"It would," Said Jill matter-of-factly "But the conversation would be pretty bad if you got stuck with Wesker or General Badaxe."

"I suppose your right." Says Rebecca sighing "Anyway, where are we going to go now? We have to go forward, I suppose, but how are we going to meet up with the other groups?"

"When you think about it," says Jill "Not setting a regrouping place or time was NOT the smartest thing we've ever done…"

"Well," says Rebecca "We seem to be doing a lot of stupid stuff lately. Such as playing hide-and-seek in Raccoon forest, letting Chris and Wesker be on the same team, letting Billy and General Badaxe on the same team, and who knows what else we will do."

"Well…" starts Jill "At least a thing that doesn't seem so stupid is that I carry around some vinegar and duct tape."

"No," Says Rebecca "That isn't stupid, but I would be lying to you if I didn't say that scares the crap out of me."

"At least I'm prepared!" Defended Jill

"Prepared for some strange situations. What else are you carrying around?" Asked Rebecca curiously

"You'll find out when the situations call for that item…" Says Jill with a really sadistic look in her eyes, and on her face.

Group 1 (AKA- knife boy and whiney over-powered traitor)

"I still say that you should take off the sunglasses." Says Chris

"Redfield," says Wesker getting very mad "For the LAST time, I'm not taking the glasses off."

"Come on…" Says Chris in a whiney voice "I've never seen you without them. I just want to see you without them once."

"Redfield, let me tell you about the last time I took off these sunglasses." Says Wesker "OK, I was walking through Raccoon City looking for new test subjects er…I mean volunteers who want to help Umbrella reach a new potential. Anyway, I was walking around town, and some soot fell from a chimney into my eyes. So I took off my sunglasses and wiped my eyes with my sleeve."

Wesker looks at Chris who just nods his head to continue with the story.

"When I went to put my glasses on, a 7-year old boy looked at me with my eyes open. The boy stared at me for a good 5 minutes, while I had my sunglasses on. Then that boy let out an ear piercing scream, shattered a couple windows, and ran away as fast as he could. From what I heard, the boy ended up seeing a psychiatrist, and the same boy was later 'volunteered' to Umbrella researchers. When the same test subject…er…volunteer saw me again, they had to put him down. What a waste…he was a good specimen…" said Wesker with a sigh.

"What was that last part?" Asked Chris curiously.

"He was a respected member of Umbrella Corporation!" Said Wesker in a rush of words.

"Wesker…" said Chris "You really need to learn to take some anti-stressors at some point, you are starting to get overexcited."

"Anything you say Redfield…" Said Wesker with a breath of relief

Group 2 (AKA Group of people who should be in jail)

"Billy…" Says General Badaxe "Why did you keep the spider head?"

"I'm going to add it to my collection." Says Billy matter-of-factly "I collect the heads of things other than zombies as proof that I killed them."

"I KILLED IT!" Screamed General Badaxe "I got the killing shot into it's mouth!"

"You're wrong!" Yells Billy back "My shot between the eyes killed it, your shot just wounded it!"

"My ass my shot didn't kill it!" A screaming General Badaxe yells "And I can prove it too! Hold still with your mouth open…"

"The Hell I will!" Screams Billy "Then you will kill me and take MY trophy!"

"I couldn't give a DAMN about your trophy! I just want to get rid of YOU! If it will make you shut up, I'll let you keep the trophy!"

"What did you say? I knew it, you are an assassin sent from Umbrella to kill me!" Yelled Billy in a victorious tone.

"Why would I work for that twisted company?" asks General Badaxe "You are so stupid they could probably pay you enough money to kill yourself!"

"Take that back you tree-hugging bastard…" says Billy in a dangerous tone of voice.

"TREE-HUGGING! In case you haven't noticed, you are a squirrel too! So take it back you filthy hairy turd dropping!" Yells General Badaxe

"SHUT UP! I'm going to give you such a whooping that your dead grandma feels it!"

Yells Billy with veins popping out of his forehead.

"Both of my grandparents are alive and kicking! You squirrel lover! I bet as a human you used to like nut-

General Badaxe couldn't finish the statement because Billy tackled him to the ground. As General Badaxe hits the ground, he uses the momentum of the fall to use his feet to flip Billy over him, and rolls to a crouching position.

"Get over here Billy-boy, I got a personal ass-kicking to give you." Taunts General Badaxe

"Did you just call me Billy-boy? Get over here and accept your beating Private Badaxe!" says Billy in the same taunting voice

"Private! Now your asking for it…" says General Badaxe in a threatening manner.

General Badaxe lunges at Billy, drops on his right hand, spins, and trips Billy. Billy hit his hands on the ground, and back-flipped into an upright standing position, just in time to see General Badaxe's foot slam into his gut. Billy doubled over, as another foot flew for his face.

Bill's hand shot out and grabbed the foot, and used his foot to slam into General Badaxe's, right one. As soon as General Badaxe hit the ground, Billy used the same foot to perform an axe kick. General Badaxe rolled out of the way just in time, to see Bill's foot hit the ground, and splinter the floor.

'Glad I didn't get hit by that' General Badaxe thought

General Badaxe rolled again, and rolled to Billy's back, jumped into the air, and drop kicked Billy forward. Billy stumbled forward, just in time to get tripped by General Badaxe's right foot.

Billy got up and wiped the blood off of his whiskers and mouth. Then he threw a 1-2 punch into General Badaxe's face. Billy's right fist connected with General Badaxe's face, but since it sent General Badaxe flying, so his left one only connected with his right arm. Billy heard a 'click' of something locking into place.

'Like his bones breaking' Thought Billy with satisfaction.

All of a sudden, Billy goes flying forward in the same direction of General Badaxe, and lands right beside him.

"OK OK" Says General Badaxe "I'm sorry for insulting you, will you please stop hurting me and vice-versa?"

"Fine by me." Says Billy "But only if we say that I won that fight."

"Agreement made." Said General Badaxe with a smile.

As General Badaxe and Billy raised their right hands to shake, Bill's left hand decided to join them. As both of them look at Bill's left hand, they both notice something.

"Billy…" Says General Badaxe "Do you see what I see?"

"Unfortunately…" said Billy "I see it too…"

On Bill's left hand, and General Badaxe's right hand, were the handcuffs Billy was wearing…except the supposedly empty part was locked on tight to General Badaxe's right arm.

"You want to say it or me?" Asks General Badaxe

"Personally," Says Billy "I think we should both say it."

"Well…" Says General Badaxe "I do believe this is the first or second thing we have agreed upon…"

"On the count of three." Says Billy "1…2…3"

Both of them say that one word in perfect unison "SHIT!"

"Jinx, you owe me a soda!" says General Badaxe

"Just shut up, already." Says Billy in a defeated tone.

General Badaxe- Well, we finally finished this chapter right R.E.-Wolf? R.E.-Wolf? Where are you? I swear if you snuck off to play RE4 again, I'm going to lay the smack down on you as hard as Billy did to me…

R.E.-Wolf-I'm not playing RE4. I'm playing RE0. You know the one with Billy and Rebecca. I'm at the part where I'm in the laboratory. Oh ya, Billy so kicked your ass.

General Badaxe- Are you looking for another ass-kicking? Anyway, GET OFF THAT GAMECUBE! You are supposed to help me write the story, and review it. Why did you handcuff me and Billy anyway! I should annihilate you!

R.E.-Wolf-No. NO. I am. Because if you think about it, you and Billy hate each other so I thought it would be fun. turns off Gamecube and walks over to computer happy now?

General Badaxe- I feel a little better anyway. So then, you got any parting words for our readers?

R.E.-Wolf-pulls out Nintendo DS and plays Resident Evil Deadly Silence not really. You?

General Badaxe- I don't have anything for our readers, but I do have a question for YOU.

R.E.-Wolf-what?

General Badaxe-. R.E.-Wolf, how fast can you run?

R.E.-Wolf-pretty fast. Why?

General Badaxe- Pulls out Giant Axe Well you had better learn to run faster!

R.E.-Wolf-shit.


	7. Chapter 7 Power of Japan

General Badaxe- Ok, here we are making another chapter right R.E.-Wolf? R.E.-Wolf? Dang it, were are you this time? I promise I won't hurt you this time…GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE NOW!

R.E.-Wolf-zzzzzzzz…SNORE! zzzzzzzzzzz. Must…kill…Dr…Salvador…

General Badaxe-……Ok, you have 6 seconds to wake up Pulls out giant axe 6…5…4…3…2…1…Bye.

R.E.-Wolf-what are you doing with that out? Mom said your grounded from it remember, from the last time you tried to kill me.

General Badaxe- Mom said I could have it back when I washed the car. Did it. I have my axe. You won't be happy. Sums up the end of the chapter doesn't it?

R.E.-Wolf-kinda. Are we going to start on the chapter already? Why are you trying to consume our time? We need to get this done. QUIT SLACKING!

General Badaxe- YOU were the one sleeping. Anyway, we have to answer a few questions. One, for the record, I do more writing. R.E.-Wolf would love to do more, but he participates in sports and choir, so he has a hard time finding time.

R.E.-Wolf-so what, I still contribute. The reason why Billy is mad at Badaxe because I made Badaxe fall on him when Badaxe fell through a dark portal of death, as well that Billy hates the name General Badaxe.

General Badaxe- I did NOT give you permission to say my name without the 'General', So quit it! By the way, Suicidal Sweety, You are NOT allowed to sue us if our story is so funny it hurts. You have to pay the hospital bill yourself.

R.E.-Wolf-lets get started already.

Group 3 (AKA 2 pistols, 1 shotgun, and 4 Bazookas)

"Rebecca," says Jill "Have you ever thought about what it is like to be a zombie?"

"No," reply's Rebecca "I don't think I have. I have, however, run from them for 24 straight hours before. I was so tired at the end, I thought I would die."

"It must of sucked." Said Jill "To be a zombie I mean. Is it painful to become one? Why do they eat mostly people and not just cow beef?"

"I wish I could answer your question," says Rebecca "But I am not a zombie, and I don't think we will ever get to ask one that. We usually have to kill them first."

Silence envelopes them as they walk down the hallway. It branches out into multiple other hallways, two going left, two going right, and one right down the center. First, the two scout out the hallway's, looking down each one carefully, to look for any problems. All of them appear to be safe, except the center one, which had 2 zombies down it.

"This town ain't big enough for the four of us." Says Rebecca pulling her pistol out in slow-motion.

"Rebecca!" Snaps Jill "We don't have to use clichéd movie lines! And they just piss me off, so quit!"

"Geez, you don't have to get so angry because of it!" Reply's Rebecca with some heat in her voice "What are you doing? PMSing?"

"Why you little skank!" Screams Jill "Why do you have to be such an ass right now! I don't get angry with you!"

"You are angry with me now!" Screams Rebecca back "OK, enough complaining, lets just kill these two zombies, and continue on."

The two look at the two zombies, to see a strange sight. The two zombie rats are sitting on fold-up lawn chairs, with a bowl of popcorn between them, and each one has a glass of lemonade with a tiny umbrella in it.

This pisses the two girls off more than anything.

"What the hell is wrong with the two of you!" Yell the two girls with voices full of venom "What are we supposed to be! Your entertainment! We are gonna beat you so hard into the ground that you have to reach up to tie your shoelaces!"

The zombies say "OOOOOOHHHHHH!" (translation: We aren't wearing any shoes!)

However, the two girls don't have a translator, so they can't understand the two zombies. What follows is a bunch of sounds followed by "OOOOOHHHHH!" "OOOOOHHHH!" and "OOOOOHHHHH!"

(translations include: Wait, what are you doing with that? AAAHHH, That's not supposed to bend that way, and I have a waffle iron!)

Whatever is left of the two zombies afterwards, is a couple puddles of blood, random patches of fur, and a waffle iron.

"Wait a sec…" says Jill "What are a bunch of zombies doing with a waffle iron?"

"Jill…" says Rebecca "This is one of those things it's better if we didn't know what they were doing with it."

Group 1 (AKA- Twisted Jackass and Overprotective friend)

"Ok Wesker, let me see if I have the bet down. Whoever kills the most zombies wins, and the loser has to go to the most expensive restraint in town in a cheerleader outfit, go up to the guy at the podium, in front of a HUGE crowd, and ask him to spank him. Then the loser has to go skinny dipping in the Antarctic, and finally, they have to watch Barney for 6 straight hours. That it?" asks Chris

"I do believe it is Redfield." States Wesker "However, giant spiders count as 3 zombies, and other creatures depending on how tough they are."

"I agree with you there." Reply's Chris "But why the 6 hours of Barney? That is just being cruel and unusual."

"You see Redfield," starts Wesker "That is how we at Umbrella torture information out of people. It is pretty effective, and I want to see what it can do to you. Anyway, it is no different than what the U.S. Army does, in fact, it might be more humane than what they do."

"Two things Wesker," Says Chris "One: are you implying that you are better than me? And Two: What does the U.S. Army do to its prisoners?"

"First thing Redfield," says Wesker "I'm not implying I'm better than you, I'm STATING it. Second thing, the U.S. Army forces the person they are torturing to listen to Avril Lavigne. (Did I spell that right?)

"Why you dirty little…" says Chris "And anyway, wow, that is very sadistic to do to people. Makes me cringe just thinking about it."

The two just stop talking to each other for a little bit as they walk down the hall. (Sensing a pattern?) They come to a split in the hallway, one leading left, and one leading right. They check down each one, and see a zombie down each one.

"Wesker." Says Chris Simply

"Yes Redfield?" Reply's Wesker casually

"Which one do you want?" Asks Chris

"I'll take the one on the right." Reply's Wesker

(Authors Note- we will be separating the two scenes, because we don't want to go between the two, so we will be separating them, and doing the fight scenes one at a time. Don't like it, tough, it is our fic.)

Chris's Fight

Chris whips out his combat knife and starts to taunt the zombie.

"Come on," says Chris "I want to make a steak out of your hide, and some nice gloves out of your fur. Bring it you piece of monkey shit, come on, I don't bite, my knife however DOES!"

With that, Chris lunges after the zombie (and because the authors are bored, we are making these super zombies, for an interesting fight scene.)

As Chris is lunging, the zombie jumps on the wall, and races across it, and slams into Chris, who promptly rolls backwards, and flips the zombie, who lands on its hind feet, and stays standing!

"I didn't sign up for this bull." Chris mutters, whipping out his pistol. The zombie rushes Chris and knocks the gun out of his hand, front flips over him, and kicks him in the back as he lands. Chris gets up and turns around, to see the zombie giving him…

"Are you giving me the bird! That's it…"

Chris pulls out his knife, and the zombie rushes him again. Chris back flips, and kicks the zombie in the skull, sending it reeling backward. Then he throws his knife at his pistol, and knocks it into the air. Chris lunged at it, and picked it up in midair, and corkscrewed, unloading a couple seeds into the zombie.

The zombie gets up, and hisses at him, and gives him the evil eye. He does however fail miserably, because you can't do the evil eye very well without EYES. Chris just picks up his hunting knife, and holds it like a samurai warrior.

"Feel the power of JAPAN!" Yells Chris as he rushes the zombie.

The zombie pulls out a really long fang from his mouth, and rushes Chris. The two pass each other in a blur of swinging flashes. Both of them sheathe their weapons, and just stare at the other.

"I win." Chris states.

The zombie just lifted up its paw, showed Chris some sign language, and was split in half.

Wesker's Fight

(If I made one fight samurai, you can guess what the other one is.)

Wesker and his Zombie just stare at the other one. All of a sudden, the zombie throws down a smoke bomb, covering the hall in a thick layer of smoke. Wesker, being the badass that he is, pulls out a handkerchief, and blindfolds himself.

'Alright,' thought Wesker 'Lets see what years of training and reading ninja comic books can do.'

Wesker heard a whooshing sound, he leans back, and catches it in his hand, it feels like a kunai. Wesker could feel where the zombie was, so with his kunai out, he charges the zombie. Before he hit the zombie though, he jumps up, and flips his body 180 degrees, so his feet point to the ceiling. When his feet hit the ceiling, He pushes off of it, and fly's down at the zombie.

The zombie hearing this, flips away from his spot. Wesker catches himself with his left hand, front flips, and rushes at the zombie again. The zombie jumps in the air, however, Wesker throws his kunai into the zombie, and pins him to the wall. Wesker then pulls out his pistol.

"This is the end, and the beginning. If you understand that line, go see a therapist." Says Wesker as he pulls the trigger a couple of times, and pumps the zombie full of it.

'I really wish Redfield could see me kick ass.' Thought Wesker

Group 2 (AKA- Handcuffed assholes)

"OK GOD," says Billy "Whatever I did to deserve this, I am really sorry. But please GOD, don't make me suffer this inhumane torture."

"Look Billy," Says General Badaxe "I'm really pissed off that we are handcuffed together as well, but GOD hasn't helped us so far, so why would he help us now?"

"Shut up!" Barked Billy "I'm really hoping here. It's the only chance we got."

"Billy," said General Badaxe "We could look for a hairpin, or a key that could unlock this. Or we could break the chain. I mean look around this room, there are a lot of useful stuff here."

Around the room, were a couple odd things to be in a tree. Things ranging from seed pistols, to a laser cannon. They had shotguns, coconut grenades, acorn bazookas, and other handy weapons.

"Billy," says General Badaxe "We should stock up on the weapons here."

"But first," says Billy "We are finding something in here that will get us apart."

"Let's start with that shotgun." Suggested General Badaxe

Billy pulls out the shotgun, and puts it up to the chain link and fires a shell. The link manages to hold.

"Useless junk." Mutters Billy as he throws the shotgun out the window.

"You idiot!" Yells General Badaxe "That shotgun was better than our other guns."

"Shut up and get another weapon." Reply's Billy.

This continues on for quite a while, and Billy throws a LOT of useful weapons out of the window.

"OK Billy," Says General Badaxe with a lot of controlled anger "So far, you have thrown out the coconut grenades, the acorn bazookas, the shotgun, a katana, some old milk, a waffle iron, a 20 foot toothbrush, a megaphone, some parking tickets, and a stove. All because they couldn't break out cuff link. YOU ARE A RETARD!"

"Just be quiet, there has to be something in here that can open up this stupid pair of handcuffs." Mutters Billy angrily.

Billy then pulls out the laser gun, and aims as the cuff link. The laser starts to rev up, as you see the energy in it pulsing through to the main cannon. The laser bursts forward in a blinding flash of purple. Unfortunately, the cuff link is still intact after all of that.

"Another weapon out the window." mutters Billy as he chucks the laser cannon out the window.

'This day can't get any worse…' thought General Badaxe as he thought about crying.

All of a sudden, General Badaxe felt a great weight lifted from his back. General Badaxe thought it was strange, he shouldn't feel any lighter with Billy throwing Weapons out the window. Then it dawned on him…

"BILLY!" Screams General Badaxe like a hysteric drug addict "Don't do it!"

Billy raised General Badaxe's axe above his head, and strikes the cuff link. The table holding the link shattered intro a thousand different splinters. However, the axe, could not destroy the cuff link.

"Useless…" mutters Billy as he throws the axe out the window.

General Badaxe just stared out the window. He was in a state of denial, thinking he was just seeing things and that Billy did NOT just throw his axe out the window. Then he was in extreme pissed off anger.

"Billy…" Says General Badaxe in a smoldering voice ready to explode "Did you just throw my axe out the window?"

"If you mean that worthless metal one, yeah I did. Now help me find something to open the cuff link with." Says Billy without a care of the real danger around him.

For simple purposes, I will tell you what happened in simple terms. General Badaxe lost it. I wish I could tell you all about what he does to Billy, except that this fic would have to go to M+ rating, so for five minutes think of the worst torture ever, multiply that by ten, and you might scratch the surface of what General Badaxe does to Billy.

"Did you have to do that?" Whispers Billy in a pained voice

"You are lucky I only did that to you!" Screamed General Badaxe "I'm about ready to go down there, grab that laser, and hack off your arm, so I can be free, and do much worse to you."

General Badaxe looked to the side, and what he saw filled him with happiness and rage at the same time. What he saw was a master key, to any lock imagined. He was happy that he would be free of Billy, but he was PISSED that he lost all those weapons and his axe over nothing.

"Billy," says General Badaxe

Billy looks over to General Badaxe. "Do you see that key there?" Asks General Badaxe pointing at it.

Billy just looks over, and his face lights up. He knows what that means too. A word they both thought they would never have again. Freedom.

"Lets go open the lock near that mirror." Said Billy

"Billy," Said General Badaxe "Why would we open the lock near the mirror?"

"I want to see the difference in myself while I was locked up, and the myself when I am free from this horrible burden." Said Billy

"Fine," says General Badaxe "As long as I can finally get away from you."

Both of them head over to the mirror, and memorize the faces there. What they saw would scare little kids. Billy then brings the key to the lock. General Badaxe suddenly sneezes, jerking his hands, and forces Billy to drop the key.

Before either of them can stop it, the key falls into the sink, and down the drain. General Badaxe and Billy look in the mirror again. The faces staring back can't even be considered ugly they are so horrible.

Both of them look at the handcuffs, then to the sink drain, then back to the hand cuffs, both denying that that just happened. When they both realize that it did, they just looked at each other, and both of them broke down crying.

General Badaxe- is it just me, or do we seem to screw me and Billy over more than anyone else?

R.E.-Wolf-the fights with Chris and Wesker were a nice touch though.

General Badaxe-m Thanks, it took me a couple of tries to get them how I wanted them. Anyway, I would like a poll.

R.E.-Wolf-a poll on what?

General Badaxe- it occurs to me that one author supports me, and another one supports my axe. Should we give my axe a part in our opening and ending talking segments?

R.E.-Wolf-dose it really matter? I mean…I am sorry to say but I can not say anything from this point on because I have lost thought and I am going to go 3 days strait playing Resident Evil 4. Thank You.

General Badaxe- I'm going to destroy out GameCube. pull out giant axe I may of lost it in the fic, but I still have it out here. So please review, and cast your vote swings axe threateningly Now, where are you little brother, I have a present for the GameCube…

R.E.-Wolf-sits in room with Gamecube surrounded by the "Force" for protection.

General Badaxe- I wonder if he knows that the "Force" isn't real…

SMASH!

R.E.-Wolf-screw you. goes to other Gamecube and plays RE4

General Badaxe- All you readers might want to go away, this might take awhile…Sharpens axe and goes on a rampage I promise we will update when I get rid of most of the GameCube's


	8. Chapter 8 Enter Leon

General Badaxe- Ah, it's a nice day. Birds dinging, grass growing, and if R.E.-Wolf doesn't get out here soon…HIS DAY WILL BECOME A LIVING HELL!

R.E.-Wolf-what are you talking about. I'm right behind you.

General Badaxe- Oh. Wow, you aren't playing a resident evil game? That shocks me. Anyway, sorry for a late update, this one was my fault. I got hooked on Disgaea: Hour of Darkness for the PS2 for a bit.

R.E.-Wolf-I think you have an obsession problem.

General Badaxe- I'm not obsessed! I can quit anytime I want…who am I kidding? I have played that game altogether for about 700 hours. (no joke) So anyway, sorry again for a late update, but I have to be honest. It is hard coming up with funny concepts that aren't COMPLETELY ridiculous, and I also hate to repeat jokes, which also makes it harder, right R.E.-Wolf?

R.E.-Wolf-ya ya…whatever. Can we get started already.

General Badaxe- right after Disgaea…

R.E.-Wolf-GET AWAY FROM THAT PS2 BEFORE I GNAW YOUR FACE OFF!

General Badaxe- Are we going to have this fight again? (Pulls out giant axe) Bring it Bitch!

Group 3 (AKA Zombie entertainment)

"Jill," Says Rebecca "We should be a little careful, I saw a corpse by the fireplace…"

"Rebecca…" said Jill slowly "How long have you been here? There are corpses everywhere! They have tried to eat us, they just lie there, and one even came alive while you read a note, and you just now noticed they are here?"

Rebecca gave Jill a rude glare, stuck her nose in the air…and slipped on a banana peel…right into a bowl of cherries. When she lifted her head up, it was covered in red juice, and she looked like one off the corpses.

"Why does stuff like this happen to me…" Said Rebecca in a slow and depressed voice.

"It happens," reply's Jill "Because we choose what we wish to perceive what we want. Your subconscious must have thought you deserved it, so it happened. I choose what happens to me, and the only thing we can't choose are the experiences that we have already perceived."

Rebecca just stared at Jill with a wide O-shaped mouth. "Jill…" said Rebecca "What on Earth are you smoking?"

"Why Rebecca…" said Jill with a grin "I'm smoking the exact same thing the authors are. I won't list what they smoke, because the list would take 2 pages, and at least HALF the stuff is illegal."

"Well…" Said Rebecca slowly "At least now we know why the story is screwed up beyond recognition."

The two travel down the hallway in complete silence. They just look from side to side, wondering where the next challenge will come from. It came upon them too fast to see! It was…it was… a Gerbil.

"AAAWWWWWW!" Screamed both girls "IT'S SO CUTE!"

The so called "cute" gerbil was missing an eye, but it had rippling leg muscles. It was brown with a couple dark stripes going down its back. It had claws that extended a good half a foot away from its paw. It had teeth as sharp as a steak knifes, and it had a pink ribbon in its hair.

"Jill…" said Rebecca "I think that the Gerbil is checking us out…"

And the gerbil was indeed checking them out. It went from there face to their feet, staying a little longer on their "assets".

"PERVERT!" Both squirrels scream.

The two squirrels rush at the gerbil pulling out a bottle of hot sauce, a pound of duct tape, peanut butter, tuna fish, and a tube sock. (We want to keep this rated T, so sorry, but you have to imagine what they can do with all of that stuff.)

"Stupid perverted dead gerbil…" Says Jill

Exactly WHAT was left of the Gerbil afterwards will remain untold, for the dignity of Gerbils and zombies everywhere.

Group 2 (AKA depressed key-less group)

The two trudge along the ground in a slow orderly pace. Neither one talking, or gesturing to anything. Just the occasional look at the iron chain that binds them together. And General Badaxe sometimes looks behind him in a vain attempt to locate his lost axe.

"Billy…" Said General Badaxe glumly ,"We have to find the others, maybe one of them can help us."

Billy just looked at General Badaxe with a strange look on his face. All of a sudden, his face lights up like the sun.

"General Badaxe, you are a genius!" Said Billy "Jill can pick locks, she can get this thing off of us!"

"Billy…" said General Badaxe dangerously "I am NOT a genius! They tend to be stuck up bastards, I prefer to be called 'gifted'"

Both of them brighten up at the thought of being free. Just imagine it, long runs on the grass without the other, taking a shower alone, and finally, being able to sleep without the other one! (They never did the stuff anyway, but it IS disturbing to think about, admit it!)

"Billy, we have one problem." Realized General Badaxe "We have NO idea where the others are. So how are we going to do this?"

Billy's happy face, all of a sudden became crestfallen. Billy hated to admit it, but General Badaxe was right, how were they going to find the others? Billy just moped a little bit more, when he realized something.

"General Badaxe!" Screamed Billy "We have some company."

All of a sudden 2 spiders drop from the ceiling, and a gerbil came rushing down the hallway, standing right next to the two spiders. All of them are very intimidating, except for…

All of a sudden, Billy and General Badaxe both start laughing. "General Badaxe!" Laughs Billy "You see what I see!"

"If you mean" Chuckles General Badaxe "That pink ribbon in the Gerbils hair, yeah I do!" Says General Badaxe before laughing uncontrollably.

Needless to say, the Gerbil got PISSED. It stood up on its two legs, and grabbed a spider in each hand/claw. It then pulled them apart, and suddenly slammed the two spiders together making them simultaneously explode in a gush of green blood.

Both Billy and General Badaxe stop laughing. They realize that this gerbil will be a worthy opponent. Billy pulls out his knife, while General Badaxe pulls out a pistol.

General Badaxe aims his gun forward, and shoots the gerbil. The shots bounce off his tough hide, doing nothing to it. Billy lunges forward, as the gerbil charges at them…and Billy falls flat on his face, and drags General Badaxe with him. The gerbil, failing to stop in time, slides past them, and falls out of a window.

Billy glares at General Badaxe, and says in a low voice "Why didn't you run with me?"

"I'll tell you why," said General Badaxe "Because SOMEONE threw my melee weapon out the window. Now then, who could have done that? Hmmmm?"

"Want to say something about it?" said Billy

"Yeah I do," said General Badaxe "You are a complete retard for several reasons. One: you never had Jill remove your handcuff when we began this adventure, Two: you threw a bunch of weapons out of the window, including MY badass axe, and Three: you tried to run, without warning, when you have someone handcuffed to you."

"General Badaxe…" said Billy "I AM GOING TO KICK YOU FAT ORANGE ASS!"

Group 3 (AKA Strange women)

Authors note (from both of us with love) HA! You thought we would go to group 1 didn't you? Well eat it! Let's go to group 3 again!

"Jill?" asks Rebecca "Why do we exist?"

"Rebecca…" said Jill "I don't have the answer to that. We are only a speck of light in the entire world. Finding your own existence is your own task that must be accomplished on your own time. Another thing, if you ask me for the meaning of life, I WILL NOT explain it to you."

Rebecca wondered why such a weird person understood such big concepts such as the meaning of life and others.

All of a sudden, both of them hear a strange sound. It sounds like a clinking chain, with a bunch of rolling around. All of a sudden, it stops in the hallway to the right of them. They heard a moan, and a couple grunts, of what sounded like pain. Then they heard shuffling heading their way.

"Jill," said Rebecca "When is turns around the corner, I'll give it a swift kick, and you take it down."

"I'm fine with that." Reply's Jill in a whisper.

The movement got closer, and closer. The adrenaline in Rebecca started to pound through her veins. She couldn't wait, this was exciting her, finally, THEY got to ambush a zombie, and not the other way around. Rebecca saw a foot turn the corner, and she couldn't help it, she rushed around and swung her foot.

"Rebecca don't!" screamed Jill.

But it was too late, for Rebecca's foot swung up…right into the crotch of General Badaxe

Like every other male who gets nailed right there, General Badaxe grabbed his crotch and sank to his knees gasping with his head bent over. Usually Billy would laugh, but every male alive knows you can't laugh at another male who got nailed there, so he held his crotch in sympathy. (BTW- Girls, guys really do this. If you ever nail one hard, and you look around, chances are other guys hold their crotch in sympathy.)

"OH!" said Rebecca, clearly embarrassed "I AM SO SORRY GENERAL BADAXE!"

"that's…ok…."Said General Badaxe, clearly in pain "You…didn't…hit…any…thing…I'm…ever…going…to…use…"

"Are you going to be ok?" asks Jill

General Badaxe Screams "WHAT DO YOU THINK? I JUST GOT NAILED IN ONE OF MY SENSITIVE AREAS HARD! IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE SET IT ON FIRE; OF COURSE I'M NOT OK!"

"Ok, ok, you don't have to get so touchy." Jill said

"Look Jill," said Billy "Whenever a guy gets nailed hard, they become either really timid, or compete assholes because they REALLY hate the pain. If you ever hit Chris there he would do the same thing."

"Would he really?" asks Jill "I really doubt it, he is a lot tougher than most guys."

"If…you…are…so…sure…" said General Badaxe still in pain "Why…don't…you…do…it…to…him…"

Jill thought a moment before replying "I might just do that…"

General Badaxe's and Billy's face both turn into a look of horror, both of them look at each other, and both blurt out "YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT! IT'S OK, CHRIS IS A TOUGH GUY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TEST HIM!"

"Well…" Said Jill "I suppose you are right."

General Badaxe- Well, that is all for now. Hope you all enjoyed the update. See you next time!

R.E.-Wolf-yes. Please review and return when we have updated again.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE YOU TWO!" Scream two voices right behind us.

We both turn around to see…Chris and Wesker

Chris- whoa, we don't have to have quotation marks now!

Wesker- No wonder they like to be authors…anyway, you two can't quit yet!

General Badaxe- and why can't we do that?

R.E.-Wolf-why do we have to listen to you two anyway?

Chris & Wesker- because we will beat the living daylight out of you two!

General Badaxe- Bring it! (Pulls out Giant axe) I'll take the both of you!

Chris & Wesker- (Each pull out an Uzi.)

General Badaxe- Come on R.E.-Wolf, we can take them both on right? R.E.-Wolf? Damn coward, get back here!

Chris & Wesker- Are you going to write about us now?

General Badaxe- Like we have a choice!

LET THE STORY CONTINUE!

Group 1 (AKA group that pissed off the authors)

"Damn it!" swears Chris "We have quotation marks again! On yeah, Wesker, do you think it was smart to piss off the authors who control what we do and everything."

"When you put it like that Redfield…" said Wesker "It was not the smartest thing we have ever done."

Chris and Wesker both walk down in silence wondering what the two authors are going to do to them. 'They could make a black hole appear out of no where! They could have a really fat guy sit on us! They could make us look at a picture of Gary Coleman! They could…'

(We could do a lot of things to them, but we enjoy listening to what THEY think we will do to them.)

The two continue walking down the hallway, when all of a sudden, a brown figure streaks past them, and it also had a tinge of pink on it. Both Chris and Wesker whip around to come face to face with…a gerbil.

"Is that the best that the authors could come up with?" asks Chris

The gerbil stands on its hind legs, and its head starts shaking violently. All of a sudden the head explodes, and three blood red tentacles pop out of the gerbil's neck area. All of the tentacles grow sharp looking blades on the sides.

"You had to say that, didn't you Redfield." Said Wesker in an annoyed voice.

Suddenly, one of the red tentacles was blown off spitting out gerbil feed. Soon after another tentacle blew off then the last and the gerbil fell to the ground which was covered in gerbil feed. Chris and Wesker turn around to find a brownish/blondish squirrel in a brown leather jacket with a R.P.D. badge on it and black pants.

"LEON? How did you get here," questioned Wesker.

"The authors brought me here with the internet. Luckily, I arrived just in time to save your sorry asses," Leon said.

"Those damn authors just introduced you to piss us off didn't they!" said Chris suddenly.

"Maybe," said Leon, "All I know is that I'm getting a nice paycheck for embarrassing you two just now."

"Wait a second…"Said Chris "The authors are PAYING you?"

"I'm going to have to kill those authors later…" mumbles Wesker

"Did you say something?" asked Leon and Chris

"NOTHING!" said Wesker quickly. "Anyway, Leon, what kind of gun is that?"

Leon looks at his gun, then back at Wesker "It's a customized seed pistol, made with extra attack power, more rounds, and a faster firing rate. It came with the job."

"THEY GAVE YOU A SPECIAL GUN?" Screamed Chris and Wesker "WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT FOR YOU?"

"Well you see," said Leon "The authors really liked me in RE4, so they decided I should kick ass. They were nice enough to let me keep my kick and suplex too."

The trio walks down the hall, with Chris and Wesker seething the entire way. When they see four other squirrels down the hallway. The three of them rush over there, and yell at the other four squirrels, who turn around, and rush to meet them.

General Badaxe and Billy are separated now, General Badaxe also has a strange walk to him, like someone took a metal pipe, and jammed it in his leg to make him walk really straight. Everyone else looked relatively ok, except for a couple bruises and scratches.

"Hey General Badaxe!" said Leon "How's it going?"

"I'm doing ok for now…" said General Badaxe "And your paycheck is in the mail."

"HE GETS A PAYCHECK!" Scream General Badaxe's companions.

"Wait…how did you get here in the first place?" asked Jill

"Simple really," said Leon "The authors sent me here from the internet."

"I suppose they can do that…" said Rebecca, still a bit skeptical.

The seven of them exchange normal greetings, talk about how each of them got screwed over, etc. etc.

"Chris…" said Jill "Do you think you are tougher than most guy's?"

"Maybe a little," Chris says reluctantly "But I have also been through a lot more than most guy's go through too. Why do you ask?"

"I just wanted to make sure." Said Jill. All of a sudden, Jill swings her foot upwards very hard and fast.

(Now we can make him catch the foot, and make him look badass, or we could let it nail him. Guess which one we are doing.)

SLAM!

Chris takes both of his hands, holds his crotch, sinks to his knees, and bends his head over. All four of the other guys hold their crotch in sympathy, and turn their heads away, saying "Ouch!"

General Badaxe- Good man Chris, taking one for the amusement of others. I salute you with my axe. (Pulls out axe and gives a salute to Chris)

R.E.-Wolf-crotch shot #2. What will we think of next? Anyway I hope Chris and Wesker enjoyed there private input without quotes.

General Badaxe- Well, since no one polled, I have decided to give my axe a part, and here he is!

AXE- MUAHAHAHAHA! SLAUGHTER EVERYONE! BRING DEATH, RUIN, AND DESTRUCTION TO ALL! MUAHAHAHAHA!

General Badaxe- O…..K……My axe is NOT allowed a part!

R.E.-Wolf-NOOO. HE GETS A PART! HE IS SOOOOO CUTE! I OVER RIDE YOUR VOTE SO HE GETS A PART!

AXE- MUAHAHAHAHA! I WILL SLAUGHTER THE LITTLE WOLF CUB FIRST! MUAHAHAHAHA!

General Badaxe- Damn, my axe has turned on me…(Pulls out light saber) It's not my axe, but it will do. Bring it you stupid piece of metal! (rushes axe)

R.E.-Wolf-because my bro. is busy, (Sounds of explosives, ground being torn up, and a care bear being ripped in half can be heard) I will end the fic with the last few words. Hoped you liked the fic and please review.


	9. Chapter 9 Final Chapter

General Badaxe- Well folks, it brings me great pleasure, and sorrow, to introduce to you, the last chapter in Resident Squirrel, Right R.E.-Wolf? R.E.-Wolf? Damn it all, not again. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!

R.E.-Wolf-I'm playing Splinter Cell. I'll be there in a couple of minutes.

General Badaxe- Well, there goes the moment. Dude, just once, get out here without me dragging you. This is our last chapter, before we ride out into the sunset.

R.E.-Wolf- Ride into the sunset? You do that. I think I'll ride into the Mansion and create another RE fic.

General Badaxe- Anyway, this fic might not be up for a bit, because SOMEONE forgot to pay the internet bill, so it might be a while before this actually gets posted. (Glares at R.E.-Wolf)

R.E.-Wolf-why are you saying stuff like that? When this gets posted the people who read this will think…okay, now I'm confused with what I was going to say…

General Badaxe- It happens, and to those of you interested in my axe, don't worry, I got a new one, and sent my old one to Tokyo. Unfortunately, it is now fighting Godzilla for territory. It is a little strange, but I would like to say, that my axes could block a light saber. Not something that is assuring for Godzilla…

R.E.-Wolf-YOU CAN'T SAY GODZILLA BECAUSE OF INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT LAWS!

General Badaxe- Remember the disclaimer earlier, the one that says I don't own anything we decide to use? Well that stops you from getting me with this international copyrighted crap!

R.E.-Wolf-not necessarily. I can still use my mutated raptors on your ass. It's either them or Bubba.

General Badaxe- I already used Bubba in an earlier chapter; you can't reuse jokes damn it! Anyway, remember last time you ordered your raptors to attack (Pulls out new shiny axe) I dealt with them.

Shiny Axe- What are you doing? Peace is the answer, not mindless violence.

General Badaxe-…. Damn it, my axe is a hippie. I almost prefer my axe of slaughter and chaos…ALMOST! I can still use this thing.

R.E.-Wolf- Hey! I have an idea!

General Badaxe- I'm afraid to ask, but what is it?

R.E.-Wolf-okay. Done.

General Badaxe- What the hell did you do? I don't see any difference.

R.E.-Wolf-I gave your new axe long blond hair with a goatee.

Shiny Axe with hippie hair and goatee- I AM GONNA SLAUGHTER THE WOLF CUB! GET BACK HERE COWARD!

R.E.-Wolf-shit. Badaxe, start the fic while I run a couple laps around the house.

General Badaxe- I'll start the fic, but I would like to explain something to whoever asked. We won't give Leon his full arsenal for a couple reasons. One: some of the weapons he gets are overpowered. I am not giving him the infinite rocket launcher, Chicago typewriter, or hand cannon. Two: We gave him his kick, and his suplex, and a customized hand gun. What more could we give him to kick ass? Three: Do you have any idea how much we would have to pay him for his full arsenal! Right now, the check we sent him is high enough; I am NOT paying for the "Supreme Leon" package. Anyway, on with the fic.

A long time ago in a land far far away, seven heroes banded together to vanquish a terrible evil. We have no idea where this is, but we are pretty sure it isn't these seven heroes, because they have some problems to work out first.

"DAMN YOU WESKER!" screams Chris "WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BEING A COMMENTATOR? WE ARE HAVING A BAD ENOUGH TIME AS IT IS!"

The "problem" as Chris put it, was about 39 zombie rats, 14 spiders, and 8 gerbils. Why those numbers you ask? Because when you add them together, we didn't want an even number, so sue us. Gunshots rang out of the small cluster of people, as they try to fend off the growing menace. Every once in a while, we would hear Leon unleashing a kick or a suplex on an unsuspecting enemy. All the while, a voice coming from General Badaxe's back was yelling out "Love and Peace! Love and Peace!"

"For the love of God!" Screamed Billy "Would you please shut that voice up?"

"Billy!" screamed General Badaxe as he shot a spider in between the eyes, and dropping it. "If I could shut this thing up, I would have done it a long time ago. Who has ever heard of a hippie axe anyway?"

"I heard of one," says Jill as she kicks a zombie into the air, and shoots it three times to send it flying into a gerbil. "I think a guy was selling one on E-Bay"

"Well, that was nice of them to give it to General Badaxe free of charge!" Said

Leon, his voice dripping in sarcasm. After saying this, he runs up to a gerbil, shoots it in the face, and as it rears up, grabs it by the waist, and slams it head first into the ground, snapping it's neck.

"That is right folks!" Said Wesker in a commentators voice "Leon Kennedy is proceeding to kick ass. Right now, he leads this with 12 zombie rats, 2 spiders, and he just added a gerbil to the list. Leon is doing well, for his second chapter, wouldn't you agree Redfield?"

"Wesker!" screams Chris as he shoves his knife into the face of another zombie. "If you don't get your ass out of that commentator's booth, and help us, I will shove this knife so far up your ass that your sister will have to pull it out!"

Billy is surrounded, and he just smirks. He takes the handcuff without anyone on it, and attaches it to the leg of a spider. Then he spins around really fast, lifts the spider off of the ground, and slams it into 2 gerbil's heads, and kills them instantly. All of a sudden, the spider's leg rips off, sending the spider flying through the air. Billy just lifts up the hand cuff with the spider leg in it, and shoots a bullet into the leg. The spider leg, shoots out of the cup, bottom first, and impales itself through the spiders body, and pins it to a wall, killing it.

"GOOOOOAAAAALLLLL!" Screams Wesker from the booth. "Billy has just proven to us, that he is not just a wannabe army man, he is a wannabe army man who knows how to use handcuffs. And lady's, He is single!"

"Damn you Wesker!" screams Rebecca "You are starting to piss me off! Get out here and help us!" With saying that, Rebecca shoots a spider on the ceiling, and makes it drop onto a cluster of zombies.

"Apparently," said Wesker "Everyone is getting pissed at me for commentating. Except Rebecca, who is pissed at me for saying Billy is single. If you want him, all you have to do is talk to him girl."

Rebecca blushes a furious shade of red. "You brought this on yourself Wesker…" said Rebecca. Rebecca walks over to the commentator's booth, opens the door, and slams her foot right into Wesker's Crotch. All the guys reading this fanfiction, all the male zombies, spiders, gerbils, and the two authors along with the other guys in the party, hold their crotch in sympathy, as Wesker slides slowly and painfully out of the booth and onto the floor.

"That is going to leave a mark…" said General Badaxe in a hushed voice.

"Oh God!" said Wesker "I am never going to have children am I? Geez, you didn't have to take it so personally! My poor crotch…"

(Yeah, I know I said I hate repeat jokes, but crotch shots ARE pretty funny, and nothing beats it like a bad ass that can take a load of crap, and not die, being sent to the ground with a single kick. Pretty funny to think about in my opinion.)

A zombie looms over Wesker's hunched figure, which is the last thing you want to do to a guy who just got nailed. Wesker goes berserk and rips off the zombies paw, and repeatedly beats him with it.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Screams Wesker at the top of his lungs "I'LL BEAT YOU INTO THE GROUND WITH YOUR OWN ARM! YOU CAN'T SNEAK UP ON ME!"

(Yes, guys DO go berserk if you mean them harm after they just got hit in the crotch. If you do hit one in the crotch, run in the opposite direction, or you will feel pain soon.)

"Ummm…Wesker…" Said Jill in an uneasy voice "I think it is dead…well…you killed it again."

Wesker stops beating the corpse with the paw, and just looks around to see everyone staring at him. "OHHHH…...Ummmmmm...well, this is embarrassing…" Said Wesker as his cheeks flush a little.

All of the enemies are dead, as the group looks around; they see nothing but corpses and themselves. "O.K. guys," said Leon "We have cleared this room. Let's move on. The only way to go is forward, so we should probably take an ammo count, people count, and weapon count."

Chris puts on a pair of glasses, and pulls out a list from somewhere in him. We have no idea where he got it from, but sources indicate it was a Dunkin Donuts. "All right, we have Me, Wesker, General Badaxe, Billy, Leon, Rebecca, and Jill." He looks around and says "Check. Ok, we have 7 pistols, and one customized one. We have one shotgun, four knives, an axe, and of course a loofa."

"Question!" says General Badaxe "Where did we get a loofa?"

Chris just looks at General Badaxe with an annoyed look on his face. "We got the loofa when we found that stash of ammo in the bathtub. We brought the loofa, because you thought it was a really cute pink color, remember now?" Chris asked.

"Oh." Said General Badaxe, his orange furred face turning red. "Why are you all staring at me, it IS a cute pink color." He looks around to see some strange expressions, especially on the guys. "OK, I AM NOT GAY!" General Badaxe screams at them.

All the others start snickering, when Leon says out loud, "Even if you are not gay, you have an axe, which I remind you are supposed to be weapons of destruction, shouting phrases like 'Love and Peace'."

The others can't hold it in any longer, they just burst out laughing. General Badaxe face just turns red with anger, as the others laugh at him. He pulls out his axe, which just says "Remember, you shouldn't use me to settle disagreements, you should always negotiate first. Peace is the answer, not mindless violence." The rest of the group just starts laughing harder; some of them have their knees buckle. General Badaxe just starts shouting obscenities to no one in particular.

(Scene Change! We will now visit the bad guys.)

"Well, is the traitor among them?" asked a mysterious voice

?- Yes he is. He will keep giving us information, with that camera attached to him. Funny thing is that it is so obvious who it is, after all, all RE Veterans should suspect who it is.

"May I ask you one question though?" said the Mysterious voice, "Why is it that you don't need quotation marks, but I do? That is really starting to piss me off."

?- I don't need quotation marks, because I am the BAD ASS final boss. That and I paid the authors with a sneak peak at RE5.

"That…" said the mysterious voice "Was a really cheap thing to do. Isn't there a law against that or something?"

?- There is, but I won't tell if you won't.

(Scene change! Back to our victims….I mean heroes! Yeah, that is what we meant….)

"OK," Said General Badaxe "If we are done taking potshots at me…" he glares at all of them. "Then we should get moving. By the way, be careful of the traitor."

"How do you know there is a traitor among us?" asked Billy

General Badaxe gives a 'what do you mean how do I know' look. "Because dumbass, if you read about the villains in the scene change up above, you would know that there is a traitor among us. Duh!"

"Well come on," said Billy "For all we know, they could be lying. After all, nothing could confuse us more than saying there is a traitor among us, so that we will all be at Wesker's throat. I mean, come on, if there is a traitor among us, it IS probably that back-stabbing bastard."

All of the people look at Wesker, who just gives them all a level look. "All right! Quit staring at me!" Screams Wesker. "If I was going to betray you, I would have done it when me and Redfield were alone, and claim a zombie, or a spider killed him!"

"That is exactly what a traitor would say." Said Chris as he aimed his gun at Wesker "After all, the perfect traitor DOES have a cover up story. Give us one good reason why we should let you go?"

"I will tell you why…." Said a mysterious voice "Because Wesker is my favorite Character in the RE series!" screams a girl as she appears out of nowhere.

"Who are you?" asks Jill

The girl just grins and replies "My name is Wesker Chick, and I am an author on fanfiction! I know he is innocent, because I read ahead of the story, and found out who the REAL traitor is! It is not Wesker, but I can't tell you who it is, because it will probably be a big surprise to you. Anyway, bye, I just wanted to clear Wesker's name." After saying that, Wesker Chick disappears.

(Oh yeah, Wesker Chick, if you DO decide to read this fic, We am sorry for posting your name, but we wanted to do something a little different, and face it, you are one of the most devoted followers of Wesker. If you found any offence in us using your name, we apologize from the bottom of our heart, and await chastisement. Until then we would like to thank you for clearing Wesker's name. He is R.E.-Wolfs favorite character too.)

"All right…" said Rebecca "That was a strange twist. Well, Wesker, looks like you have a big fan, who is willing to interrupt another authors fic, just to save you. Well, Wesker is not the traitor. So, who is it?"

"I don't know who it is, but I would like to clarify one thing!" said Wesker " Even though she saved my life, I know What my 'fan' as you called her, is going to do to me, if she ever catches me alone…" Wesker just shudders, and begins to walk away.

(Those of you who have Read Wesker Chicks work, knows exactly what I am talking about. You have to feel for the evil back stabbing bastard sometimes.)

None of the group can come up with an answer, so they decide to just continue on. They travel through the tree, noticing that there are no enemies down this hallway. At the end of the hall way, there is a ramp that leads into nothing but darkness. All of them look at each other, trying to decide who should go first.

"Maybe we should draw straws again…" said Jill

"NO!" scream all of the guys, then all of them say "Remember what happened last time? We ended up getting the worst pairing ever!" Everyone looks at Leon. "Leon," they all say "Why did you yell out too? You didn't suffer at all."

Leon looks at each and everyone of them, and simply says "I was reading the fic online, and I have to say, I never EVER want to see those pairing ever again. (Especially you stupid yaoi girls! Personally, BOTH of us HATE that stupid crap. Why do you people like to imagine people like Chris and Wesker making out? That is just disgusting! And don't you dare get me started on those Yuri writers! You people should know, that MOST video game characters are straight! Well, that concludes the author bashing session…for now anyways.)

The group descends into the dark passage, with Leon taking the front, because "I am used to babysitting a bunch of sissy's, who can't do a thing."

The rest of the group was pissed, but they also had to admit, they wouldn't want to take on a psycho chainsaw person, who can take a direct shotgun shell to the face. As they headed down, they noticed that it separated into two passageways. One went straight, and the other one went left. The group looks at each other, and decide that Jill, Rebecca, Chris, and Wesker would go left. The rest of the group would go straight. "May the power of peace and love protect you!" says The Shiny New Axe. "Shut up damn it!" screams General Badaxe. Everyone just sweat drops, and continues on.

Chris and the rest of his group continue heading down the dark passage. Chris pulls out a lighter, and starts it up. Immediately, a bunch of bats fly through, heading back into the darkness. The group hears a moaning coming from the darker part of the tunnel. They hear the shuffling of feat. Chris pulls out a knife, Wesker pulls out a pistol, and so does Rebecca, but Jill pulls out the shotgun. As the figure comes into view, Chris and Wesker's faces whiten.

Coming down the passageway, was a squirrel who was deformed all over the body. It was impossible to tell where the head and neck met, and it had a pair of really old wooden manacles holding the hands together. It let out a creepy moan that surpassed all of the other zombies. It was an old friend…Lisa.

"Oh SHIT!" says Wesker and Chris at the same time. Well, at least we all know where that dark abyss goes too. It was a portal of darkness, which transported her to the tree, and made her a deformed squirrel. Surprisingly, she was even uglier than Wesker.

"Damn it Wesker, I thought we lost her at the mansion." Said Chris in a scared voice. "I know Redfield, but technically, we didn't KILL her." Said Wesker in an understanding voice. "She must have been transported when we knocked her off that one cliff."

"Chris." Said Jill in a very controlled voice, but the kind where you 'accidentally' can hear the smoldering rage behind it. "Is this someone I should know about?"

Chris, after hearing this kind of voice, decides who the true threat is. "What do you mean by that Jill?" Asked Chris in an "I am gonna piss my pants" kind of scared voice.

"You know what I mean Chris Redfield." Said Jill in the same kind of voice.

OK, NOW Chris knew he was in trouble, after all, she used his LAST name, with his first, and that is NEVER a good thing. "Well, Jill, you see, ummm…One time when I met up with Wesker in the mansion, we ran into a really mean zombie like creature. This was Lisa, and bullets could not hurt her. I tried a shotgun, pistol, magnum, butt of a fire extinguisher, a shovel, a loofa, heck; I even hit her with the kitchen sink. She would not go down. So I ran away, until I ran into Wesker, where we sent here spiraling into a dark abyss. That was the last I saw of her, until now as you can see."

"Ummm……Guys?" said Rebecca in a nervous voice "That one strange zombie…Lisa? Is getting closer to us. Maybe we should run."

They all look at each other, nod, and then run away. "Chris Redfield," said Jill in the same kind of voice as before "We will talk about this later." Needless to say, Chris knew he was dead.

Back to the group with Leon. They kept going in a straight passageway, that didn't seem to have any enemies, and no traps. The group wondered what was going on, but they kept their lips shut, and continued on. All of a sudden, a mysterious voice rang out from nowhere.

"I see you fools have made it this far." Said a smug voice. Out from the shadows came a brown squirrel, with army pants and vest on, and a red beret. "Havn't seen you since RE4 have I Leon?"

"How are you doing Krauser?" said Leon "Last time I saw you, you had a giant hole in your chest, right were I put a nice broken butterfly shell, remember?"

"Oh yeah, I remember Leon," said Krauser in a voice that was cool as ice. "We have to finish where we left off."

"I would like to Krauser," said Leon in a smug voice "But my friends wouldn't like it, if they had to just sit here would they?" As he said it, General Badaxe pulled out his axe, and Billy pulled out his handcuffs. "Well," they both said "I would like to do something…" Then they both gave an evil grin.

"That is very admirable…" said Krauser "But how will you fight me with a traitor among you three?" All three of the companions look at one another. Then they look back at Krauser. "You are bluffing," Says General Badaxe "None of us here would betray the other, because we have had to suffer with them too long to hate them."

Krauser just let out a bark of a laugh. "Oh yeah there is definitely a traitor among you, but it is the last person you would expect." Krauser then gets a microphone, get behind a podium, and says in an announcer voice "Will the traitor please identify themselves?" Silence for a few moment, then a voice in General Badaxe's direction says, "I am the traitor."

Stunned silence as everyone looks at General Badaxe. "No…"Says Leon in a really slow and amazed voice. "This cannot be…" said Billy in an amazed voice. General Badaxe has a very guilty look on his face. "To think, he said, all this time, my new axe was the traitor…It is a sad day when I have to get angry at the thing that gives me my namesake…" said General Badaxe in a sad tone.

If axes could have a look of shame on them, this axe would have a big one. "I am sorry for betraying you, but they wouldn't stop forcing me to read Yaoi fanfics online, until I agreed to betray you." General Badaxe brightens as he realizes something. "Yeah, that would suck, except, Krauser, there is one flaw in your plan." Said General Badaxe in a smug voice.

"Oh really?" said Krauser in an unbelieving tone "Then what did I miss?" General Badaxe just smiles as he says "You forgot to give the axe orders after it betrays us, so it just becomes a regular axe! I still get to kick your ass bitch!" Screaming this, General Badaxe rushes Krauser, only to hear a bang, as a hole appears in Krauser's chest. "What the hell?" said General Badaxe "You…Betrayed…ME…" said Krauser before he drops to the floor, dead, with a hole exactly where Leon shot him earlier.

They all look up, to see a giant…Bunny? General Badaxe just bursts out laughing. "I was expecting an intimidating enemy, and what do I get? Peter Cottontail, except that you have a black nose, and not a pink one. All of a sudden, the rest of the group runs in. All of them look at the new enemy, and burst out laughing. "Wouldn't you expect the final boss to be a little more intimidating.

Final Boss- You had better not underestimate me.

General Badaxe stiffens. "Shit, guys, full alert on this guy. He is definitely strong, the force is really powerful in him, that, and he doesn't need quotation marks. That just Screams 'I am God, fear me'."

Final Boss- And your orange color screams "Kill me," so I will oblige, you will be the first to die.

Saying that, the giant rabbit rushes the group, only to trip, and fall into a vat of giant green goop. All of the heroes just stare, then General Badaxe says "That's it! I was expecting a giant battle, with lots of explosions, and us barely pulling a win out of our ass. Not him falling into a vat of green goop, to finish him early on."

The rest of the group nods in agreement, when they hear a moaning behind them. The entire group turns around to see Lisa, stumbling down the hallway. Chris and Wesker pale, while Jill gets a very pissed look on her face. "WHAT IS SHE STILL DOING HERE?" all three of them yell. Everyone looks around, for a quick way to kill her, but none are in sight. "Well General Badaxe," says Leon "Looks like you got your battle, from now on, you had better shut up." Everyone prepares, when a giant 'goosh' is heard behind them.

All of a sudden, a strange creature jumps out of the green vat, lands on Lisa, and tears her apart. The entire group looks on in awe, trying to comprehend what just happened. The creature looks back at them, ad they realize that it was the final boss, except, in a more badass form. "OK," says Wesker "We now have to deal with the final boss again? Why can't the stupid authors decide who we will fight?"

Supreme Final Boss- I am not a 'final boss' anymore. I am a 'SUPREME FINAL BOSS!'

"So," said Billy "The green vat changed your skin, and your NAME? What makes you 'Supreme'?" After saying that, the boss shoots a pair of lasers from his eyes, and into the green vat behind them, completely disintegrating it. "You had to ask, didn't you Billy?" said Rebecca, in a voice lined with fear.

"COVER!" yells Leon, as the entire group takes advantage of all the conveniently placed boxes. They all pull out some guns, shotguns, an axe, and a couple knives. Leon dives from the side, managing to fire a couple shots when he lands, but they bounce off of the creature's tough hide. "SHIT!" yells Leon, as he rolls away, dodging a pair of lasers.

Jill rushes the creature, with Wesker and Billy providing cover fire, gets right next to the creature, and fires two shotgun shells point blank into the creature. These manage to penetrate the tough hide, and wound it. The creature slashes at them with its claw, smacking Jill across the room.

"JILL!" Screams Chris, as he charges the creature. The creature shoots lasers at Chris, who dodges them with ease, as he runs straight at the creature. Right before he reaches the edge, he jumps high into the air, about as high as a basketball player, and slams the knife into the skull of the creature. Chris is panting on the head, when he notices one of the eyes staring at him. Before he can react, a weird whip-like tail comes from the back of the creature, and smacks Chris across the room.

Chris hits the wall hard, and temporarily has the breathe knocked out of him. The rest of the group sees this, and move to cover him, and support him. General Badaxe runs distraction, by charging the creature. The creature rears up on its hind legs, just to see General Badaxe slide under its legs, and slice off something vital. That is right, he lost his tail. Looking at his handiwork, General Badaxe sees something strange. The tail he cut off, grew back, except, there were two now. "Damn it," says General Badaxe "The tails remind me of a fucking hydra!"

One of the tails lifts General Badaxe into the air, and the other one gives a really harsh pimp slap to General Badaxe, and sends him flying across the room. Slamming into the wall, he rolls, to dodge the pair of lasers that follow the slap. Leon whips out a Broken Butterfly, fully upgraded, and says "I brought a special present for you." Saying that, he unloads a single shell. The creature fly's across the room because of the impact. Following, were the rest of the rounds, sending the creature farther up the wall with each shot. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and Leon ran out of ammo.

"Damn." Was all Leon said, as he realized he forgot to pack extra ammo. When he looks up, he notices that a pair of lasers were going straight for him. Thinking quickly, he tosses the Broken Butterfly in the way, and it takes the full force of the blow. The Broken Butterfly disintegrates, crumbling into ashes. "Do you have ANY idea how much it costs to upgrade one of those?" Screamed Leon "More than your stupid Lab, I am willing to bet!"

A tail just slams itself into Leon's chest, as he gets sent flying across the room. As soon as he hits the wall, he flips off of it, to minimize the damage done to him. 'This is turning out to be harder than I thought.' Was all he thought, before finding a better place to hurt this thing. Wesker appears on a crate, with a sniper rifle in his paw. "Eat this." Was all he said, before he unloaded fifteen rounds into the forehead of the creature. The creature stumbled backward, but still stood his ground. When he saw this, Wesker chucked the rifle, and pulls out a Killer 7. Unloading the full clip into the thing, the creature gets really pissed.

"Wesker!" screamed Chris "Where the hell are you getting those weapons?" Wesker looks over at Chris and says "Rebecca is back there handing out weapons in these crates." Said Wesker indicating the crates that mysteriously appear. "Go get some stronger weapons." Saying that, Wesker pulls out a flash acorn and slams it into the ground to blind the creature. The creature covers its eyes with its tail, as Chris goes behind a couple crates, to find Rebecca.

"Rebecca, hook me up." Rebecca tosses him a box, and then he moves to a different spot, and opens it. The title said "Coconut Launcher" and in fine print said "some assembly required." Looking down, Chris sees a bunch of parts and instructions. He pulls out the instructions, and notices something very strange about them. "What the Hell!" says Chris "These instructions are on how to set a VCR clock, not build a Coconut Launcher!" Looking at all the parts, Chris decides to wing it; after all, it is their only hope.

General Badaxe runs out of the place, strapped like Rambo. "OK you undead piece of shit!" said General Badaxe "Take some of this!" after saying that, he pulls out an M60, and repeatedly smacks the creature in the skull. "General Badaxe, you idiot!" screams Billy "It is a GUN, not a fancy club, shoot it at the creature!" Heeding his advice, General Badaxe flips the gun so the nuzzle is pointing down, and pulls the trigger.

A bunch of bullets shoot out of the nuzzle, until he empties the entire 150 round clip. Unfortunately, this just annoyed the creature, who bucked General Badaxe off of him, and into a giant chocolate bunny. "How on Earth did a chocolate bunny get here?" asked General Badaxe. "That isn't important!" said Billy as he runs up to the creature with a flamethrower strapped to his back, and torches the creature. What have we learned today class? Squirrels are planning an international takeover with all the weapons they have. Oh yes, and strange mutated creature are VERY susceptible to fire.

The creature rears up on its hind feet, as it roars in pain. "It all end here!" says Chris with a Coconut Launcher on him, and he launches it at the creature. What Chris learned, is that he put something on backwards, as the shell flies in the wrong direction. It hits a pipe, and flies into the hole, goes up the tube, in a curve, and flies right back out into the chest of the creature, which explodes in a really cool fashion.

"Chris…" said Wesker "You put something in backwards. You almost made us have to work even harder, and THAT would have sucked." Then a giant blinding flash happens, and the entire group is outside, in their human forms. All look around, trying to find an explanation, but to no avail.

"General Badaxe," says Jill "You are an author, so what the hell turned us into squirrels?"

"I am afraid that I can't answer that question." Said General Badaxe "You see, I already put an amnesia spell on all of you, so you will forget this entire adventure. I do this, because, well I won't lie, I have NO idea how to explain us being turned into squirrels and back. So I will just make you forget the adventure, so I don't have to explain it to others reading this story. I am sorry."

After saying this, the entire group, except Leon and General Badaxe, falls unconscious as the spell takes over. "You only did that," said Leon "Because you are a pair of lazy bastards, and don't want to think of a reason do you?" "Well," says General Badaxe "That is the truth, but we needed to end it, plus I am paying you, so stop complaining."

"What you say is true," said Leon "So I will see you later, or probably until the next RE fic you two make. See you around." After saying that, Leon walks away, in a really cool leather jacket. I want one…

General Badaxe- I really do want one, that thing just looks so friggin cool.

R.E.-Wolf-too bad. If anyone gets it its me because I called dibbs.

General Badaxe- Oh well, I am happy we completed a series. Anyway, time for my favorite thing, AUTHOR BASHING TIME! You, the Author of "Pink Squirrel Orgy," What the hell? What is wrong with you? You had to call it the gayest name I have ever heard, and it really pisses me off. Next time you write a fic, pick a name that ATLEAST makes partial sense of the name. Not something you came up with while you were caught drunk driving, and had to do time in prison for. We don't need that BS.

R.E,-Wolf-I second that thought. The next fic will also have the main characters turned into animals. Why? Because I want them to.

General Badaxe- Why do you keep insisting on turning them into animals? I mean, come on, it would get old rally fast.

R.E.-Wolf-the next one will probably be the last RE animal fic I do.

General Badaxe- Thank God. I really have a hard time imagining them as animals. Anyway, thank you to Evil Fang for helping me get rid of my possessed axe, right now, Godzilla is kicking its ass, so no more worries!

R.E.-Wolf-screw the animal fic. I'll screw them over when they're human. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

General Badaxe- Your evil laugh still sucks.


	10. Badaxe's Rant Thats right Hes pissed

General Badaxe- Ok, because some people take our fics so seriously, I have decided to post an authors note to clear a few things. One, I don't care if there are gays and lesbians around, heck; everyone has their choice, and if it happens to be the same sex, go for it. HOWEVER! I still don't like reading about it, or watching two guys make out in public. Personally, I don't care what they do in private, but public is a different matter. What I don't like, is reading through what seems like a good storyline, then I find out the main character is gay. I mean, COME ON! I find it thoroughly disgusting, and I will voice it. If you don't like it, you will find out why I am the jackass of the two brothers. Point two: I didn't say that all hippies are about love and peace. You just assumed that is what I meant, which proves to me that people want to find all the flaws in work, and never what was accomplished. Once again I think people can't get any stupider, and, once again, I am proven horribly horribly wrong. The government is only screwed up, because people vote wrong. If you have a problem, this IS a free country, instead of whining about it, move OUT of the country. There are a lot of immigrants who would give all they own to trade places with you. Yeah, I know I sound like an asshole, but it is who I am. You piss me off, and you will not get away unscathed. If you hate what I say in a fic, shove it up your ass, pull it out, mail it to me, and I will bury it underground, and never think about it twice. You don't like what the fic says, don't read it, after all, I don't have a gun to your head ordering you to read it.


	11. Teaser

General Badaxe- Yeah, we know we completed the resident squirrel fic. This is just a small prototype of our next idea, and we want to know if you people think it would be a good idea. Right R.E.-Wolf? Wolf? Why aren't you ever around when we start one of these!

R.E.-Wolf-because you never look on top of your head

General Badaxe- How did you get on top of my head!

R.E.-Wolf-I took the stairs.

General Badaxe- I don't have any stairs leading up to my head!

R.E.-Wolf-fine fine. I took the elevator

General Badaxe- I don't have an elevator going to the top of my head either!

R.E.-Wolf-man you want to make this difficult. I used my pick and rope to climb up your spinal column then I shot my hook shot to the top of your head. Luckily the hook caught on to one of your knots in your hair so I was able to make it up here.

General Badaxe- That is ridiculous. I will accept it! Anyway, back to our problem. We are probably going to post our second Resident evil fic. The evil fang one doesn't count, we just made it for a fellow author.

R.E.-Wolf-do you have any ideas for it Badaxe?

General Badaxe- It is a long shot, it involves tootsie rolls, a sundae, three martinis, a Martian, a pound of peanut butter, a live trout, and a Ferris wheel. It is a really long shot, but we might pull it off.

R.E.-Wolf-ok, who are we going to torture today?

General Badaxe- Probably Godzilla, I haven't really decided. On with the fic!

R.E.-Wolf-what fic? This is only to get ideas.

General Badaxe- You know what I mean, on with it!

It all started, one sunny day in Leon's apartment. He had a couple of people over, who decided to stop in and say hi. Unfortunately for Leon, he didn't want these people at his house, mainly because most of them want to kill him, and the others just are too strange for him.

A doorbell rings, and Leon gets off of his favorite green chair. 'Wonder who that could be.' Then, another thought occurs to him. 'Damn it, I am in a fic that R.E.-Wolf and General Badaxe are writing. I read the intro, who did they invite over to my house?' He walks over to the door, and opens it.

Leon's eyes shoot wide open, and he mutters "Those two authors had better send me a nice paycheck." Inside the doorway, stood Wesker, Ada, Hunk, and Krauser.

"All right, what is the occasion?" Leon asks, as he reaches for his handgun, only to realize the two authors replaced it with a water pistol. 'Those two had better know I like a lot of zeros.' Leon thought to himself.

"Good evening Leon!" Ada said in a cheery voice. "We came over to play some cards, are you interested?"

"Wait, let me get this straight." Leon said to them "You guys looked for my house, which is an unlisted address, walked over here, I would have heard a car, and you do all of that, just to play cards?"

"You have a problem with that Kennedy?" Wesker asked.

Leon looked over at Wesker, and asked him, "Do you ever address someone by their first name?"

Wesker just reply's, "Everyone but Ada, and that is only because she won't tell me hers."

Leon looks at Ada, and then Wesker. "Wesker, you employ her, and you don't even know her last name is Wo-"

"Leon!" Ada yelled suddenly. "If you tell him, I will remember he wants me to kill you. You won't be getting off the hook then, will you?"

Leon really hates the two authors. 'You two send me these nuts, and you can't even give me a weapon while I am here?' He just mutters obscene curses at the authors, but we won't post them.

"Well, since you guys are here, you might as well come in, and we will play cards." Leon says, after a good few seconds of utter silence. The group walks in, and makes themselves comfortable in his apartment. Leon notices something right away, and yells out "HUNK! Get out of my good green chair!"

Hunk just turns and looks at Leon, you can't see his eyes because of the strange gas mask thing on his face. However, the mask just keeps staring at Leon, and Leon gets really creped out. "Ok, you can stay in the chair, just quit staring at me!" Leon says to him. Hunk turns around, and starts to deal out the cards.

Leon pulls up a seat, and looks at his cards. He has a queen of diamonds, a queen of spades, a three of clubs, a king of clubs, and a seven of hearts. 'Ok, I have a pair of queens, I have to hope for something better. I should keep the king, and hope for two pair.' Leon hands in two cards, and gets a queen of hearts, and a king of spades. 'Sweet, I have a full house!'

Leon looks up, and sees Wesker has a very pissed look on his face. "I have all, but one card for a royal flush…" Wesker says in a tight voice. Leon looks around for a second, and then jumps behind the couch. "I GOT STIFFED DAMN IT!" Wesker screams out, and Leon hears him lift up the table, and then he hears a window crash.

"Wesker!" Leon screamed jumping up. "You are going to pay for that window!" Leon said pointing at him.

"Kennedy, I didn't break the window." Wesker said indicating he still had the table in his hands.

"If you didn't break the window, then who did?" Leon said, as he looked at the window. Then he looks below the window, and sees a dead goose. Everyone else is staring at the thing too. "Well…" Leon said in a slow voice, as he went over and picked the thing up. "I know what I am having for dinner tonight."

Everyone just stares at him, and Krauser says "You can't be serious, comrade. How can you eat that thing?"

Leon looks at him. "How can you become something less than human for power? Anyway, I had to eat those stupid crows and ravens when I went to rescue Ashley. Why do you think that I never got hungry there? An incineration grenade, some wood, and I can cook a good tasting bird."

The four others just stare at Leon, who goes over to his stove, and turns on the fire.

"Is he serious about eating that thing?" Ada asks as she holds her stomach.

"I think he is." Wesker said in a slow voice.

The group hears grunting coming from outside, and they look out the window. "Um Leon, we have company." Ada said.

Leon came over, and looked out the window. Below them, where a bunch of Granados. All yelling at them in Spanish. "Damn it!" Leon said.

"We are in trouble?" Ada offers.

"You need a good gun?" Krauser asked.

"You have some enemies?" Wesker asked

Hunk doesn't bother to say anything. "No." Leon told all of them.

"Then what is the problem?" Ada asks him.

"I think I turned my fire on too high, and I accidentally burnt my goose." Leon says in a sad tone. Then the group hears a fire alarm going off. "Yeah, I lost my goose." Leon said in a really sad tone.

"What about the endless wave of Granados outside!" Krauser asks in an annoyed tone.

Leon looks outside, and says "Yeah, that could be a problem too."

General Badaxe- Yeah, it is short, but take into mind that this is only a small preview, we just want to see if you people like the idea. If you don't, tell us and we will scrap the idea.

R.E.-Wolf-it feels like what CAPCOM is doing with RE5.

General Badaxe- What are you smoking? We have no idea what they are doing with RE5, we have to wait like the rest of the world.

R.E.-Wolf-I know but the story seems good so far and it's basically just a tease until we get reviews or more ideas.

General Badaxe- Ok, I will concede to you that point. But, if the people don't like it, we are scrapping the entire thing. Don't get too attached to this, like you did with your chocolate bunny right before you ate it. You cried for a day and a half.

R.E.-Wolf-so? Mr. Fluffy was a good bunny until the end and he even cleaned my room for me! How could anyone turn him down?

General Badaxe- I cleaned your room, not some magic chocolate bunny! Anyway, YOU were the one who ate him!

R.E.-Wolf-we were playing "Survivor" and I was hungry! It was the only way I could have survived the game.

General Badaxe- You two were playing that right next to the fridge! Mom told you to move I don't know how many times, but how did you get hungry? You could have popped open the fridge and had a snack or something.

R.E.-Wolf-my sweet tooth was craving something and the fridge was filled with nothing but apples and your leftover ramen casserole.

General Badaxe- (pulls out giant axe) You leave my casserole out of this.

R.E.-Wolf-by the way, it sucked one and a half ways to hell!

General Badaxe- Run. (Rushes R.E.-Wolf with axe in hand.)

R.E.-Wolf-(pulls the matrix while General Badaxe rushes him and goes Devil May Cry style with two pistols.)

General Badaxe- (While R.E.-Wolf is going in slow motion; I walk up and kick him in the nuts.)

R.E.-Wolf-(falls to the ground, crying in pain)

General Badaxe- The matrix is overrated, but I still like it.


End file.
